Overcoming Fear is Not as Easy as a Bumper Sticker Slogan

I bumped into this article today by accident: Overcoming Fear is Not as Easy as a Bumper Sticker Slogan. I am very grateful for this and the many accidents I make that guide me to where I need to be, not always where I want to be. Overcoming fear can be paralyzing to some people in certain circumstances. Fear is the four-letter word that begins with “F,” which can feel like a much dirtier word than its profane counterpart F**K. I remember hearing something annoying, cute, and comforting many years ago: FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.

Fear: noun

I bold-faced the phrase that caught my attention, “whether the threat is real or imagined“. I have always found it to be a helpful and frustrating fact that fear has the same effect, whether the threat is real or imagined. Overcoming fear includes discerning when a fear is real and when a real is imagined.

Overcoming Fear – an example of fear in action, Real or Imagined?

Javier is in love with his girlfriend, Franchesca. They have been dating for two years and spend most of their free time together. Their families support their relationship and encourage them to eventually marry. Javier tries to call Franchesca several times on Friday night. She is out at a club dancing with her friends. She does not hear her phone while dancing, and Javier gets angry. After the fifth call, Javier starts to get worried that she is avoiding him because he studied with his lab partner Rebecca till late last night, preparing for a Chemistry project instead of coming to her house to watch a movie.

Javier wonders if Franchesca is trying to get back at him and if she is out having fun dancing with other guys as revenge. Franchesca always answers her phone and has also been faithful to him since their first date, but he is starting to freak out. The fear of her cheating on him increases every ten minutes until he is desperate to “catch her” with some other guy. Javier goes to the club and grabs Franchesca by her arm, yelling at her about being a slut and cheating on him. She is shocked and immediately responds in anger. They fight in front of everyone, with Javier calling her all sorts of hurtful names. Eventually, she follows suit, and they break up. While he is leaving, he yells at the guy who she is talking to, and they get into a fight. Javier leaves angry, hurt, and full of blood on his face and without a girlfriend.

The next day, he finds out from a friend that the guy Franchesca was talking to is her cousin Nancy’s boyfriend while Nancy is in the bathroom. She tries to tell him this, but he doesn’t listen; fear is the only voice Javier can hear.

Overcoming fear means being able to distinguish real fear from imagined fear. Real fear requires action, and imagined fear requires action as well: breathe, be present, and pay attention without reacting to something that does not really exist.

Overcoming Fear is Not as Easy as a Bumper Sticker Slogan

By: Keith

Let’s use knitting as a vehicle to talk about fear. Why is knitting only for women? It really isn’t, but there is an undeniable proliferation of the idea that knitting is a woman’s activity.  There are some interests in which I understand why people would think it’s strange for a man to participate. Doll collecting, for instance, is a hobby that I would consider mainly of interest to women (a small group of women), not because men want to collect dolls and are scared off of it, but because men genuinely never wanted to collect dolls, to begin with.  Knitting is different.  I can’t think of any logical reason why men wouldn’t want to try it apart from the stigma attached that doing it is unmanly.  How is it that a perfectly benign, yet obviously useful, hobby is a defining activity for old women and stereotyped bland, less adventurous younger women and not just, without qualification, everyone?

I’m as subjected to this sexist thinking as anybody because, even though I did want to try knitting, I held off for years simply out of fear of people thinking I was abnormal (I hate to say it, but for a while, I was afraid of being seen as gay – even though I can’t really think of why a gay guy would want to knit any more than anybody else).  It’s completely irrational and silly to be carrying these thoughts, and I might have just gone on thinking things like that had I not stopped for a second to think it, though.  It’s absurd that such a simple decision (to go buy 20 dollars worth of knitting supplies) can be fraught with so much anxiety.  But that’s the world in which we live, where we grow up wanting so badly to fit in that we all blindly walk around like zombies, afraid to draw negative attention to ourselves. We might be unwilling zombies, but we’re still zombies.

 

 

Well, long story short, I knit in public for the first time last week.  I forced myself to do it, and I felt really self-conscious about it.  Did I do something earth-shattering?  Duh, no, of course not. Is this even an act of rebellion that deserves a mumble of recognition?  No, also, no.  It’s just a thing I did which I feel personally good about overcoming.  Sometimes, becoming a more confident person comes in steps so small that they’re unperceivable by anybody but you.  I’m one small step closer to being the person I want to be. I’m almost 40 years old.  Just think how good I could have become at knitting if I’d started when I was 20 (that’s how long I’ve been in zombie land on this subject!).” Almighty Dad

 

For the record, I knit like Keith. In fact, when I was online dating years ago, my online profile included “knits while watching football”. It took me a while to come out of the closet as a male knitter. I am not very good, but I have made a few scarves and a really neat Prayer Shawl I use every morning during meditation. Overcoming fear that says “I am not man enough if I knit, only women knit” was necessary for me as a man. Truthfully, why does being like a woman imply less strength, courage, and toughness than a man?

Overcoming fear is essential to a happy, peaceful, and meaningful life. Nobody said it would be easy, but that is the point I think.

 

 

Other posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

Spiritual Change: Tie Your Shoes Different

Spiritual Training on Humility: The Janitor Part I

Life Lessons Learned from Akeelah and The Bee

25 Signs You’re Succeeding At Life (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It)

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

 

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Life Coaching and Reiki Counseling