Providence Life Coach: Dating First Impressions

We have all experienced preparing for a first date with a relative, stranger, or acquaintance. Fear and doubt, mixed with the joy and hope of meeting an amazing partner, lover, or both, fill our minds and bodies leading up to the designated meet. We all know deep inside that first impressions are critical to the dating experience’s success or failure. It is not the way it should be in a perfect world, but it is the way it is in our world, at least currently.

Dating First Impressions – Physical Appearance

There is no known way around the dating first impressions dependence on physical appearance. Unfortunately, our intelligence, compassion, depth, intuition, creativity, kindness, wisdom, honesty, integrity, loyalty, trustworthiness, love, and maybe most importantly, our growth rarely are displayed accurately in dating first impressions. We can fight the system all we want, but it is still there and relevant, as silly as we may think it is. We all know that getting that little clump of twelve hairs to lay flat on our heads with the extra inch of cleavage is not the difference between successful or failed dating first impression experiences. Still, we do place great effort and focus on these little details we make into giant projects. But what really is important in dating first impressions related to our physical appearance?

I want to acknowledge that these may be different for men and women in the heterosexual dating world, but that does not discount the similarities. We want to put our best foot forward as the expression goes. How do we put our best foot forward and still be honest and genuine in our presentation of self? I suggest we shift the focus from physical appearance to the energetic presentation just a little, enough that the individual we are about to share this dating first impression experience with can “see” and “feel” who we are without having to actually make verbals statements like “I am smart”, “I am compassionate”, “I am honest” or “I can be trusted”. Saying them out loud verbally seems to decrease the believability of the statements. The trick is to learn how to say them without actually saying them. As my life partner says when speaking about relationships, “Actions speak louder than words”. I would even crank this up another notch and say, “Energy speaks louder than words or actions”.

Dating First Impressions – Setting Energetic Imprints

My experience supports the premise that you need to set your intention clearly before you go on a date, and it needs to be consistent with who you are on a daily basis. Many folks will encourage you to show up as the person you want to be; that is a good concept, but what if you never actually achieve that level on a daily basis? Is this honest?

An example comes to mind of someone who wants to quit smoking and is taking steps to do so but is not there yet. They stop smoking the day before and put on a nicotine patch so they won’t smell cigarettes or need to smoke. The person they go out on the date with is being shown a version of them that is not consistent with who they are right now and may never be. What if you are not able to get yourself together enough to quit smoking? Do you lie to this person endlessly and deceive them?

I knew a woman who went through a particularly challenging period when her husband died of cancer, and his daughter was beaten, raped, and murdered by her boyfriend. I can not imagine what that year would be like for her. In the course of the next eighteen months following those experiences, she gained over one hundred and fifty pounds. When she started dating online, she only posted photos of herself before she gained weight. Of course, my question was to her, what happens when you meet the man you want to date? Will he freak out and feel completely duped? How will he trust anything you say after that?

We all know many examples of this in varying degrees: fasting several days before a date to lose weight, people wearing wigs to not show they are balding, underwear that pushes body parts in all kinds of different directions, tanning salons, etc.  This is not how to set an intention that is consistent with who you are really or who you want to be in your future relationship. My experience has demonstrated that trying to “beat the system” rarely works. It may be possible that this exact ploy may be the reason you have not been successful in dating to begin with. Can we expect someone to be honest with us if we are not honest with them? Would you want to date someone who is intentionally deceiving you to set a good dating first impression?

Dating First Impressions – How To Set The Right Intention

Sit for a period of time before you leave for your date. Breathe and be still, and maybe listen to some soft, instrumental, relaxing music. When your breathing begins to slow, invite your Higher self to be present. Ask your Higher Self to properly prepare you for your date for the benefit of all of us, not just the two of you. Pray however you feel comfortable for guidance and honesty to be yourself at the date. Reflect on what is important to you on this date and in meeting an excellent partner for yourself. Listen to what you hear or feel. Take note of any part of your mind and body that “makes noise” to get your attention. What does it need? Enjoy another minute with yourself, then leave for your date. I encourage you to do this after you are done dressing and getting ready, which is the last thing you do before you go to meet your date. Lastly, smile and enjoy the ride!

Dating First Impressions – Breath, Be Present, Pay Attention

If at any point during your date, you feel yourself losing your sense of who you are, Breathe, Be Present, and Pay Attention. This will help you be yourself and allow the person you are on a date with to be themselves, too! The rest will either fall into place or it won’t, no matter how much you play with your hair or change outfits earlier. They are never the things that make or break mutual interest on a real level. They are myths we have been taught from a time when equality, respect, and honesty were not significant factors in finding an amazing person to date.

Dating First Impressions – Cultivate a daily meditation practice.

From Soul Mates: 10 Steps To A Spiritual Relationship by Kimberly Thomas of Your Tango.

“If you want to see a wise, loving, spiritual partner, you must be that yourself. Create a daily practice that includes meditation, prayer or deep contemplation. There are a multitude of studies that prove the mental and physical health benefits of meditation. Learning to get still and meditate well is just like anything else: it takes training. Find and practice a method that speaks to you and connects you to something higher. The time and attention you give your meditation practice determines the results you will get. And don’t let it scare you—you can start with just a few minutes a day. For guidance, check out The Tibetan Book of Meditation or dhamma.org. How Meditation Led Me To True Love”

 

The Tibetan Book of the Dead is an amazing book. I highly recommend it to anyone willing to dive deep into themselves and our world beyond what we can possibly imagine.

Dating First Impressions – Be Present and Stay in the Moment

“This current moment is all that is real. Stay conscious and engage in it. Don’t wallow in past hurts or try to control the future. When you get to the future it will be now! Your perfect spiritual partner can be standing right in front of you, but because you are avoiding eye contact with your head down or glued to your cell phone, you may miss the connection.”  Celia Ward-Wallace courtesy of  Made Woman.

 

Again, when dating first impressions, the cornerstones are Breath, Be Present, and Pay Attention.

What are your most successful dating first impression rituals or experiences?

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Counselor, Coach and Reiki