Providence Life Coach Dating Success Series – Be You

We all know dating can be very challenging, between the awful blind dates, the people who pretend to be something they aren’t, the awkwardness, the general disappointment and wanting something and not finding, at least not yet. There is also an amazing side to dating too. But do the disappointments outweigh the benefits? My personal and professional experience demonstrates that the benefits do outweigh the disappointments. The key is how to go about meeting and dating the right people for the right relationship if a meaningful relationship is what you want. Be you.

 I am thinking of a woman I dated years ago who is kind, attractive, creative, intelligent, and very interesting to talk with. We went out on several dates in Greenwich Village and near New York University. I can tell you we had fun and enjoyed each other’s company very much. We talked on the phone a few times a week and stayed in touch through email. At that time, I was living in Central New Jersey, a good hour from New York City. I’m not going to lie, being the one who did all the transportation got old pretty quick. I thought she was an intriguing person and had possibilities for a future relationship, so I hung in there and made those trips in and out of the city to spend time with her. Eventually, we both realized that independent of each other, there really wasn’t any potential for a relationship or even something romantic between dating and a relationship. I wish I could define what was missing with her, but I believe it really just was a matter of lack of chemistry. I learned a lot in the brief amount of time we dated, and I would like to share with you some of the valuable lessons about dating I’ve taken from those few months.

Providence Life Coach Dating Success Series – Be You

The thing that stands out to me the most is that on almost every date, I showed up as me! I had so much fun being me that the enjoyment I had from being with her just was like icing on the cake. The great restaurants were fine, smiling and flirting were fun, and the anticipation of seeing her was exciting. Still, most of all I appreciated taking the risk of being myself with a woman I didn’t know, who at the time I was interested in. For those who have experienced this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For those who have not experienced being yourself early in a dating relationship, I invite you to join me as we explore how and why being yourself is creating your best first impression.

Who doesn’t want to be happy? Who doesn’t want to be cared for and enjoy companionship? Who doesn’t want the security of knowing there is somebody who is always there for you and, as the expression goes, has your back? I know I do, and I know that I did for a long time before I found my partner. Unfortunately, wanting these things does not equate to obtaining these things in a relationship.

 Be You or Be Who?

An essential element in the meeting, cultivating and keeping a great person as your life partner is being you. I recognize how obvious this is, but this does not decrease the level of importance of being you. Okay, so here’s the big question: What happens if you meet the person with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life and the time you were dating? They meet someone who isn’t you and fall in love with somebody who isn’t you. Can this work?

I am aware that this goes in complete contradiction to almost everything you’ve read, heard, and been taught about dating, but I am going to turn the question around. How would you feel after three months of dating an amazing person, to find out they are nothing like what you have dated and spent time with? Would you want to continue a relationship with them? Would you even want to be their friend? If you found out that their hair color has changed, or they go to a tanning salon four times a week to have their skin look different, or they’re somebody who generally hates exercise but has exercised five times a week and dieting to look different so you would want to be with them, how would you feel?

I remember when I was growing up, I heard older guys talk about dating women who spent a lot of time and effort on their hair and makeup. They all talked about how much they liked the way women looked when they were “dressed to kill”, but somewhere in the conversation, one or more of the men would state in a very somber voice, “But eventually, you’re going to see her without her makeup on. One minute, the woman you were totally crazy about will be a completely average-looking woman.” Now I want to be clear, I do not echo or support this mindset! I support any man or woman presenting themself however they want, but the one aspect of this form of locker room mentality that I think applies here is that eventually, we get to see you, the real person. I am not just talking about physical appearance; I am talking about the whole human being. We can only hide whom we are for so long without being  “discovered” by someone who cares enough to pay attention.

I have an old friend that I met when we were both in our late teens. She was, and still is today, one of those one in 1000 men and women who always look like a walking magazine cover. Whenever we went out in public, I had the opportunity to see just how much attention, energy, and focus was directed at her and her physical beauty. Since we were just friends, it was fun for me, almost entertaining. When she was in her twenties, I believe she was engaged to five or six different men. She had the same pattern with every one of them: they would meet her, be infatuated with her, give her everything she could imagine, do anything to gain her affection, and when that transpired, they would ask her to marry. The problem was that they were so mesmerized by her physical appearance and personality that they never actually “met” the person inside of the body. They never met her. The truth is she’s a very good person, and I respect her. That was not relevant because no matter who she was; she would never match up in real life to the fantasy they had in their head. Unfortunately for her, this created a pattern of heartbreak after heartbreak. Her self-esteem began to sink; she thought there was something wrong with her. The only thing that was “wrong” with her was she was beautiful, and men did not invest the time and energy to get to know her, although she was not always forthcoming either.  This is an example of an individual not taking the risk of showing who they are right from the beginning, for the person you’re dating to get to know them from the start, not after six months or a year.

Be You, What Have You Got to Lose?

I think I have made my point. You understand that presenting a false image of yourself can create potential obstacles down the road. It is best to show your true self from the beginning. It is, in fact, what you do best—being yourself.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true.                                                              

There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” Dr. Seuss

The one caveat I need to clarify is that showing your less attractive traits is not in the spirit of being honest; it is just as deceitful as showing dishonest positive traits that are not true. It is most successful in dating, as in life, to show who you are, tempering the extremes to offer what you are most of the time, not the rare moments of either pole.

Be you!

Other posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

Stop Stalking and Start Talking

Why You Don’t Have To Be Right All The Time

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Life Coaching and Reiki Counseling