Stop Stalking and Start Talking – Stalking in Relationships

It is hard to know exactly what has created a culture of snooping and stalking in relationships; my gut tells me it has something to do with reality TV shows like The Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives. These shows center around narcissistic people who focus on gossip, competition, and jealousy, which promotes dishonesty and a lack of trust for the people we love in our lives. Social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter help create an environment where honesty, authenticity, and genuine connection are not core values.

Reality TV and Stalking in Relationships

Many of these reality TV shows parallel American stereotypical gender roles, but just the negative ones. Men are portrayed as selfish and dishonest, and women appear superficial and bratty. It is rare to see warmth, authenticity, generosity, or support for friends, family, and letters on display. It is no wonder that people in their 20s and 30s have such distrust for each other. I sense this lack of trust and trustworthiness is at the root of stalking in relationships.

Jealousy and Stalking in Relationships

“Jealousy in a relationship can cause you to say things you later regret. You grill your partner about who she had lunch with. You interrogate your boyfriend about who he was just talking to on the phone. You accuse your spouse of flirting.

Jealousy robs you of your peace of mind and wreaks havoc in your relationship. It comes through in the way you talk and the way you act. Strictly speaking, “stalking” is the illegal act of pursuing or harassing another person, like when paparazzi stalk celebrities.

But did you know that stalking also happens in committed relationships and marriages too? Because of suspicion and jealousy, girlfriends stalk their boyfriends and husbands stalk their spouses.

It’s a dangerous game that’s rooted in worry, fear and confusion. What’s worse is that you might not even know that what you’re doing is considered stalking. Ask yourself these questions:

• Do you check your partner’s Facebook page at least once a day?
• Do you regularly drive by your partner’s house or workplace just to check for his or her car?
• Do you look through the texts and call history on your partner’s phone?

These are just a few ways that people stalk and it’s not healthy for your relationship or for you either!”

For more on Stalking in Relationships, please read on Psych Central the entire article Jealous in Your Relationship? Stop Stalking & Start Talking by  Susie And Otto Collins

 

I have worked with several clients who share their experiences of stalking in relationships of current and former partners and lovers. They speak about “not being able to help themselves,” and they have to look every single day to see what the other person is doing, saying, and sharing on Facebook. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard someone share that they have secretly read their partner’s text and email messages to see if they are cheating or lying. I find it interesting that people believe being dishonest by looking behind their backs is a proper means of dealing with their fears and insecurities that create jealousy. This means that one person is using dishonesty to “catch” somebody else being dishonest. Unfortunately, the nature of jealousy, which is rooted in fear and insecurity, cannot be squelched no matter how much information one obtains because a fearful mind will translate everything into supporting one’s fears. In other words, if you are looking for evidence that somebody is cheating, no matter what you find, your mind will “confirm” your suspicions.

Talking Instead of Stalking in Relationships

Here is my big question: Why do you not feel safe respectfully approaching your partner and asking them directly? If the answer is that you do not trust what they will say, why are you with them? Stalking in relationships is in complete opposition to feeling safe and a sense of companionship with your partner.

Many people do not feel like they have the skills necessary to approach their boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband through respectful communication. This is so sad to me. We all know through our own experiences that beginning the conversation with accusations is rarely effective in gathering accurate information or bringing you closer to your partner. We all know that approaching someone with anger or an accusatory tone typically creates distance; if dishonesty is an issue, these methods are not successful in soliciting the truth. From our own experiences, when somebody confronts us with anger and/or an accusation, many of us reply defensively.

Trust Relates to Stalking in Relationships

I’m sure we will all agree that stalking in relationships is an expression of a lack of trust in ourselves or someone else. My experience personally and professionally has demonstrated time and again that very few people like knowing that people they care about do not trust them. We usually feel hurt and disrespected. These feelings do not support a deeper connection but create greater distance.

I am very grateful that my default setting is not jealous or suspicious. I tend to trust those in my life. I find being honest and authentic with others supports them being honest and authentic with me. I was in a relationship in my 20s with a woman I did not trust. At that time in my life, I was both dishonest and distrustful. I do not remember trusting anybody. I remember when things got really bad between us, sometimes late at night, I would park my car halfway down her block, waiting to see if she came home with another man. I think twice. I fell asleep in my car watching and woke up at six in the morning with a stiff neck! I am aware that no matter what she did, in my mind, I interpreted it as her cheating on me. If she came home early, I interpreted it as she went out, had sex with a guy, and never even went out with her friends.  If she came home after the clubs closed, I translated this into saying she was with a guy. If she didn’t come home, I assumed she was with a guy. If she came home at 8 p.m., I assumed she went out to dinner with a guy. Regardless of what she did, I assumed she did something with another guy. That is what jealousy and insecurity do; they create distrust and suspicion.

Fortunately, my life has shifted dramatically in the last twenty-five years. Jealousy and insecurity are not loud voices within my head. I trust those in my life, and I believe they trust me.

More posts you may enjoy:

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Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Do Something Good For Someone Else and Don’t Get Caught – Kindness

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counseling Services