The Difference Between Being Present and Self-Absorbed

It is easy to be confused about the difference between being present and self-absorbed. Current New Age, pop psychology and self-help literature make them appear to be the same. This is far from the truth. In my experience both personal and professional, there are several differences between being present and self-absorbed. The two that feel most significant are; 1) being present creates a spirit and mindset of service to others and 2) when we are present, we are aware of our inner experiences on many levels AND what is happening around us. When we are self-absorbed, the rest of the world takes a backseat to our own experiences and our own needs/wants/preferences.

 

The Difference Between Being Present and Self-Absorbed: Me

I have had the opportunity to spend time lately with somebody who is very committed to their spiritual practices of bowing, chanting and meditation. They spend much more time doing all of them than I do. There is an intensity and tenacity to their commitment that is palpable. This inspires me. When you hear this person speak, you will hear them talk constantly about “being present” every minute of every day. What I find fascinating in observation and experience with my friend is that they rarely are aware of anything that happens around them. When you walk into a room they are always startled when they see you standing there. If you are in the same room and speaking with somebody else, they have no idea what the conversation is about, even if sitting at the same table,since they do not listen the not involved. When they are working on a project, they get so deeply immersed that they have no awareness of the fact that others may need the space they are working in or the tools they are using. In short, they are so “present” they have no idea of anything that happens around them except when involving them directly. This is the difference between being present and self-absorbed. People who are self-absorbed often do not connect with others or their environment unless they have something they need or want from the situation. Meaning, it is about them.

 

 

The Difference Between Being Present and Self-Absorbed: We

Simultaneously, I also have another person in my life that is a shining example of being present. This person is very focused in whatever activity they are engaged in and the world around them. They are tuned in to their own inner experiences AND all of us as well. They are present whether they are trying to meet their own needs and wants or not. They put 100% attention into whatever they are doing and still connected to us, there is no separation between their needs and our needs. Being present is about being our best self so we may be of service. I invite you to not get seduced by the new age, pop psychology and self-help literature that will attempt to convince you that the goal of being present is that you have a better life. The premise is based on my needs and wants as the purpose for being present. This is false and rarely benefits anyone including us. My friend who is the one who is present often moves easily from whatever they are doing to what needs to be accomplished for he whole, knowing that we are greater than me. That does not mean that they do not take care of themselves, they do. They are present enough to know that the greater we are more important than me and my personal needs and wants. Those who are present experience that there is little difference between me and we; I am part of the whole and the whole is part of me. The separation that we create in our mind is often produced by our ego. The Higher Self does not make this distinction.

 

 

“This is why some researchers are cautioning against the pursuit of mere happiness. In a new study, which will be published this year in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Positive Psychology, psychological scientists asked nearly 400 Americans aged 18 to 78 whether they thought their lives were meaningful and/or happy. Examining their self-reported attitudes toward meaning, happiness, and many other variables — like stress levels, spending patterns, and having children — over a month-long period, the researchers found that a meaningful life and happy life overlap in certain ways, but are ultimately very different. Leading a happy life, the psychologists found, is associated with being a “taker” while leading a meaningful life corresponds with being a “giver.”

“Happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self-absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desire are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided,” the authors write.” Except from There’s More to Life Than Being Happy 

 

 

The Difference Between Being Present and Self-Absorbed: Teachers

I encourage you to find models and teachers who support the practice of being present as preparation for service, not self-centeredness dressed as “mindfulness”. In my personal experience, it is very clear when I reflect on my first handful of years of meditation that what I identified as being present was just another form of being self-absorbed. The goal of meditation was to feel better. It was all about me and my needs and wants. Service was typically another way for me to feel better about me and to get recognition and attention for doing something “good”. If you have ever had the opportunity to experience interacting with monks and nuns who live in monasteries, you can clearly feel the difference between being present and self-absorbed. Don’t be fooled by those who earn a very substantial living off you buying their books and resources in the name of teaching others about being present and the present moment. Folks like The Dalai Lama, Tich Nhat Hahn, Pema Chodron, Mikao Usui Sensei and Thomas Merton among others, did not put much focus on branding and marketing their work. They knew it was not for them, they were sharing their wisdom; therefore, they should not probably benefit much from it personally. They already received their “rewards” before they even wrote the book!

 

 

“It is important sometimes to reflect on our thoughts and feelings, monitor them, and make sure they are taking us where we want to go. However, a constant state of monitoring will lead us to be too self-conscious. If we are always worried about “What am I thinking?” or “What am I feeling?” then we can never engage in our surroundings with full consciousness. This is when self-awareness becomes more than just self-awareness, it becomes self-absorption, and this can end up being very detrimental.

Self-absorption is when we are too preoccupied with our inner world to appreciate our outer world. It is when we find ourselves chatting away in our heads and making petty judgments, instead of letting go and living presently with what surrounds us.

Imagine what a self-absorbed person would be like to hang out with. You try to have a conversation with them or play a game, but they are never fully “there.” Their attention is constantly shifting from one thought to the next. They are always reflecting, so they seem disinterested in everything else going on around them.

We’ve all been in a similar situation before. Instead of seizing the moment for what it is we get stuck in our heads with questions like, “Why am I here?” or “What am I doing?” We over-think, over-analyze, and simultaneously disconnect ourselves from the world.” Excerpt from Self-Absorbed vs Self-Centered by Steven Handel

The Difference Between Being Present & Self-Absorbed: The Higher Self

An easy way to discern who is writing about being present, the present moment and mindfulness is to see who earns the money created through the sales of the book. If the revenue is primarily going to the author of the book, I invite you to reconsider letting them be a spiritual guide or teacher on your journey. If the majority of the proceeds are going to an organization instead of the writer, this may be somebody who can guide you in the right direction towards an authentic experience. Of course, we always need to use our own inner discernment in all situations, especially when it comes to spiritual teachers and mentors. This is critical! Please do not take my word for it. It is your journey, therefore, your responsibility to get access to your own inner discernment through the Higher Self. Our egos, intellect, fears and ambitions are not working in our best interest. Again, it is critical that we do our own inner discernment through the Higher Self. Nobody can do this for us.

 

 

Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu – Chapter 49

The sage has no mind of his own.
He is aware of the need of others.

I am good to people who are good.
I am also good to people who are not good.
Because Virtue is goodness.
I have faith in people who are faithful.
I also have faith in people who are not faithful.
Because Virtue is faithfulness.

The sage is shy and humble – to the world he seems confusing.
Men look to him and listen.
He behaves like a little child.

(translation by Gia-fu Feng and Jane English)

 

 

Do you have experience with someone who is self-absorbed but thinks they are present? What is your own experience with the difference between being present and self-absorbed?

 

 

Other posts you may enjoy:

Going Beyond Our Prisons

Spiritual Change: Tie Your Shoes Different

Spiritual Training on Humility: The Janitor Part I

Life Lessons Learned from Akeelah and The Bee

10 Signs You’ve Found Your Calling | Wake Up World

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counseling Services

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