The Relationship Blame Game

Couples counseling can be a window into how couples communicate in relationships. I have noticed lately how many couples play the relationship blame game. The relationship blame game is when both people in the relationship name all the problems that have caused conflict, stress, pressure, distance, or any other relationship challenges as being due to their partner, not themselves. This is what I call the relationship blame game.

The Relationship Blame Game  in Our Lives

Today, I met with a new couple, and like many couples who come for help and support, when asked, “Why are you here?” they each listed what the other person is doing or not doing wrong. There is little or no accountability or responsibility for the relationship. If not managed correctly, this session can become one big, loud conversation of “he said, she said”. The relationship blame game can erode the fabric of a relationship without either party being aware of how unproductive this pattern is individually and collectively as a couple. In short, if I am blaming you for what I feel, I am dependent on you doing something different for me to feel better. If we step back and reflect on this for just a minute, we can see how we are giving somebody else complete power over our well-being! Can you imagine if all 7 billion of us on the planet waited for somebody else to make us happy?

The Spiritual Perspective of The Relationship Blame Game

From a spiritual perspective, blame holds a karmic consequence. If you do not believe in karma, I invite you to meditate on what spiritual consequence you have experienced in your own life when you blame somebody else for how you feel. Do you feel in charge of your life? Are you owning your feelings and emotions? Are you connected to your Higher Self when you are blaming somebody else? Finally, is blaming somebody else bringing us closer to our mission for this lifetime?

Where Does The Relationship Blame Game Come From?

It is possible that the root of the relationship blame game is a sense of desperation or helplessness. Meaning, I feel ______ and I do not want to feel _____,  and I do not know how to shift my thoughts and emotions, therefore, I want you to do something different since I am feeling incapable of doing it myself. When viewed through this lens, it can seem to be very infantile. When we think of little children who can’t stop crying or yelling, they desperately need and want their parents or another caring adult to do something so that they can stop. At what age in our personal and spiritual development are we expected to be responsible for our own feelings, thoughts, and emotions? Some would say during adolescence, others might say in our 20s or 30s, but I think all of us can agree by the time we reach our 40s, we should be responsible and own what we think, feel, and do. Do you agree? At what age do you think we mature enough to be able to look at a conflict and say to ourselves, “I don’t like the way I am feeling or acting now; I will look at myself and discern why I feel this way and what I can do to feel better and treat the people I love and care about with more respect.”

Meditation and The Relationship Blame Game

I have found that a daily meditation practice supports knowing who I am and why I think and feel the way I do. There is something about sitting and being quiet long enough to slow or still our mind that is quite instructive towards understanding our emotional and mental patterns and structures. Anyone who has attempted silent meditation has, on some level, experienced the painful lesson that, for the most part, we are responsible for how we think, feel, and act. As much as we would like to blame others, at the end of the day, nobody can make us feel a certain way all by themselves. Our well-being and the well-being and health of our relationships have a direct correlation between self-honesty and awareness and our willingness to take steps to shift what we’re doing that hurts ourselves and friends and family. I think most of us would prefer to treat the people in our lives with respect, kindness, and love. My experience has demonstrated time and again that the road towards being who we want to be and know we are capable of is an inside job. I once heard a wise person say about personal and spiritual growth, “Nobody can do it for us, and we can’t do it alone”.

4 Steps To Shift The Relationship Blame Game

“Eliminating Blame in Your Relationship

You’ll notice from my experience with Mary that I took specific steps to eliminate blame in our relationship. Here are the steps you can take to do the same:

Pain

The first step is just to notice if it’s an issue in your relationship. Are you fighting, getting angry with each other, playing the blame game?

Awareness

Get super-aware of when you’re blaming or faulting or accusing, even if you’re doing it in your head. If you can catch yourself sooner, you can let it go and preempt sparking a fight.

Take Responsibility

This is the hardest part, because it’s easier to find fault in others than in ourselves. We want to be right. So just do an experiment, and see if you can take complete responsibility for your life, including your relationship. See what happens. Remember, this advice applies to anyone who’s in a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for someone else mistreating you.

Communicate

Tell your partner what’s been going on, how you feel about it, and the effort you’re going to make. (And if something’s really bothering you, communicate your feelings without blaming.) This will bond you together, and get you on the same team. Once you’re both making an effort, you’re well on your way.”

Read the entire article 4 Steps to Let Go of Blame in Your Relationship at Tiny Buddha

I am grateful for all the teachers, mentors, counselors, friends, and family who have held me accountable for the way I think, feel, and act to the degree that I let them. No matter how many hours and days I sit in silence, I still need all of you to be supportive mirrors reflecting back to me how I need to develop to honor my life’s purpose. I am also grateful that in most circumstances, when I’m angry, I look at myself first and try not to blame others. I am committed to not participating in the relationship blame game to the best of my ability. My commitment extends beyond my relationships in support of others wanting to move beyond the relationship blame game as well. Isn’t it time we all accepted responsibility for who and what we are and stop blaming others?

More posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

Before We Fall In Love

Spiritual Training on Humility – The Janitor 

Life Lessons Learned From Akeelah and The Bee

Listening As An Art and Skill for Improving Relationships 

Providence Life Coach Dating Success Series – Who Am I?

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counseling Services