Acknowledging Pain Is Highest Form of Support

Simply acknowledging someone else’s pain or suffering is such a powerful means of support. It lets them know you are listening, you care, and that they matter. When someone we know is suffering, we want to help. For many of us, our initial response is to offer them advice, guidance, or “positive thoughts”. Our intention is in the right place, although not nearly as effective as acknowledging their experience. If your goal is to provide help that facilitates a change, I invite you to consider acknowledging them before any other form of support.

In my professional life as a counselor and coach, I have the opportunity to support people through their challenges on a regular basis. It is what I do.  My experience has demonstrated for more than twenty-five years that the most effective place to begin is acknowledging whatever it is that they are struggling with. If you don’t know what to do, start there. Start by letting them know you’ve heard them, you understand what they are experiencing, and you are present. If, at another time, you feel inspired to share some guidance with them, they may appreciate it, depending on the situation and presentation. Deep down, we all want to know that what I am feeling at this moment is real for me, and I am not the only person on this planet with more than seven billion people who feel this way!

I am not alone and I matter.

How Simply Acknowledging Another Person’s Pain Can Help The More Than Just Telling Them To Cheer Up

You can’t heal somebody’s pain by trying to take it away from them.

Megan Devine of Refuge in Grief has created a truly insightful animation that offers helpful advice around consoling a friend who may be grieving. Rather than telling them to cheer up or look on the bright side, Devine suggests that a simple acknowledgement of their pain will be far more productive in helping them heal.

It’s so hard to know what to do when your friends are hurting. The thing is, you can’t cheer someone up by telling them to look on the bright side, or by giving them advice. It just doesn’t work. Watch this video to learn the one thing that will improve all of your “I’m here for you” intentions, and be that supportive friend you most want to be.

Full article How Simply Acknowledging Another Person’s Pain Can Help The More Than Just Telling Them To Cheer Up

“But sometimes, when someone shares what they’re going through, they aren’t asking for you to make it better. For whatever reason, just telling someone makes us feel a little less desolate. It’s human nature to want to share, to have someone who hears us, who understands, who can sympathize with what we’re going through. We want to know that we are not alone. We want someone to acknowledge how badly we are hurting, and allow us to be just as we are without needing or expecting us to feel better. We don’t want someone to fix our sadness.

However, more often than not we’re met with a less compassionate response. Think of the last time you shared your pain with someone; how did their response make you feel? Did you feel truly heard, acknowledged and accepted? Or did you feel irritated, disregarded or even hurt, and not fully understand why?

For the most part, people genuinely want to help. They don’t want to see you suffering. And because they don’t want to see you suffering, they offer advice, clichéd proverbs, pep talks, or distractions. Our society is uncomfortable with pain and sadness. We haven’t been taught how to respond truly compassionately to other people’s suffering.” Meagan McCrary from How To Respond Compassionately To Someone’s Suffering

“Really listen to them.

Another key part of showing support is actively listening to the person, according to Eva-Maria Gortner, Ph.D, a counseling psychologist in private practice in Houston, Texas. She said that this includes:

• Approaching your conversation without any assumptions.
• Paraphrasing the other person’s words to make sure you understand, such as: “It sounds like work has been getting tougher because of all these new demands at your job.”
• Acknowledging how they’re feeling based on what they’ve said so far, such as: “Getting this feedback from your boss is stressing you out.”
• Finding something positive to say to show you respect them, such as: “I appreciate you trusting me with this problem.”
• Asking gentle, open-ended questions to better understand what they’re thinking and feeling, such as: “How come?”; “What do you think about …?”; “How do you feel about …?”

Don’t offer solutions.

Trying to fix the situation makes people feel misunderstood and not cared for, Eddins said. It invalidates their emotions. And it “almost assumes that they can’t problem solve.”

Don’t make the situation about yourself.

According to Gortner, this might look like saying: “This reminds me of when my grandmother died….”; “I feel the exact same way, let me tell you about….”; “When my aunt had cancer, she tried this new treatment…”; “After my miscarriage, we tried again right away and it worked! You should do the same.”” Excerpt from How to Sit with Someone Else’s Pain                 By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

I am interested in hearing about your experiences with people listening and acknowledging your pain and suffering when you are in a challenging situation. How is this different than when someone immediately replies with “what you should do” or “why you should not let it bother you”?

Other Posts you may enjoy:

Building Bridges or Building Walls

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Stop saying sorry if you want to say thank you: A seriously insightful cartoon

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki