Arguments About $ Aren’t About Money

Arguments. The first time I meet a new couple that I am working with, I ask them to each share why they are here today. Almost without exception, they each launch into a one-sided description of a recent argument, telling it solely from their perspective. In their minds, they are seeking relationship counseling because of an argument or arguments.

I ask a few more questions to get a greater understanding of their current challenges. Most of the time, they continue to refer back to the argument or arguments previously mentioned.

I will follow that up with a question similar to this, “So if I am hearing you correctly, you are here because of an argument or arguments, not due to a lack of trust, connection, respect, communication, commitment, safety, and/or intimacy?”.

I barely get to take a breath before they emphatically correct me and state that they are here due to some combination of a lack of trust, respect, connection, commitment, communication, and safety.

Arguments are rarely the problem in a relationship. They are often a symptom of something else, typically a lack of trust, connection, and safety.

As we get to know each other a little bit, we dive deeper into the argument or arguments they are feeling incredibly upset about. When I ask what the argument was about, they often don’t remember the actual content, just what hurtful and destructive things were said during this argument.

Again, they often do not remember what the argument was actually about. They do remember what the other person said to them and how much it hurt, saddened and/or scared them.

As we explore further into how this argument began, they look at each other, confused and amused that the initial point of contention was something like who paid for the pizza, or was supposed to do the dishes, or left their coat on the couch the night before = the argument was about nothing! This is what we do when we are scared, threatened, or feel a lack of safety or trust. We experience a deep fear and sense of feeling alone or disconnected at our core. Our protective system expresses itself in whatever is our strongest defense mechanism, whether it be aggression, anger, anxiety, numbness, violence, separation, distancing, terror, infantilization, dishonesty, manipulation, etc., or in short – fight, flight, or freeze.

This can result in one person threatening to break up or literally breaking up. It is never about money, dishes, coats, lack of sex, a text message to someone else, or any of the reasons we think we are ending a relationship. At the core, it is almost invariably about trust, connection, commitment, and safety.

How do you protect yourself from rejection, sadness, loneliness, pain, fear, or loss in destructive patterns?

What do you typically argue about with the people who are important to you? Is it really about that, or is that a symbol of something deeper?

Somewhere in my first session with most couples, I ask them how they have fun and relaxation together. It is common to see them both with either confused or blank expressions on their face, if not embarrassed. They don’t remember the last time they had fun together or how they used to have fun together. This creates their first homework assignment.

Spend an hour or so brainstorming ways you can have fun together. Create a list without deleting anything. They are all possibilities. Choose one together that you will commit to and execute before I see you again. I have found that just two hours of fun together can be a great start towards rebuilding connection, warmth, and trust.

Years later, when they re-established their love, connection, trust, and intimacy, if someone asked them what changed things around, they would probably reply, “I don’t remember what we argued about when we broke up or what we did to get back together.” The irony is that it is possible both of them were about pizza!

I encourage you to read the full article written by Kyle Benson with their permission.

The #1 Thing Couples Fight About Based On 40 Years Of Research

This article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

Do you know Angelina Jolie?

She’s that beautiful actor who adopts Asian babies, and married the world’s most gorgeous man. They even had their own movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Well, I’ve never met her. She sounds like a deadly assassin with a secret identity.

But I do know Christina.

Like Angelina, Christina is an admirable and beautiful woman. She also happened to marry a beautiful man named Brad.

When they first met, he was something different. Mesmerizing. Passionate. But now there is a huge space between them, and it keeps getting bigger.

She’s frustrated and lonely. He is angry and focuses all of his energy on work.

Yesterday they were trying to pick a place to grab dinner. Here’s what happened:

Christina starts. “I’m hungry. Let’s grab dinner.”

“Sounds good to me. What do you feel like eating?” Brad asks.

“I don’t know, you?” replies Christina.

“I feel like pizza. Let’s do that,” he says licking his lips.

“I don’t want pizza,” she complains.

“Okay, what do you want then?” Brad asks again, this time with a tone of frustration.

“I don’t know,” she says with a puzzled look on her face.

“What about seafood?” Brad suggests, desperately wanting to make a decision.

“No. That doesn’t sound good to me,” Christina responds.

“You always put down every idea I make.” Brad storms out of the room.

Christina starts crying. She feels lonely again.

How has something so small turned into something so big? What are they really fighting about?

According to the Einstein of Love, Dr. John Gottman, the #1 thing couples fight about is nothing:

Christina and Brad remind me of the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They love each other, but over time their disconnection pushes them apart. Next thing you know they are shooting bullets at each other and their love has turned lethal.

Sometimes relationships feel like we are emotionally shooting each other over the simplest things. Things can blow up over which show to watch on Netflix, where to go to dinner, or which part of the house needs cleaning first.

Meaningless Fights Can Break Trust

Rarely do couples ever sit down, create an agenda, and argue over a specific topic such as finances. Sometimes they do, but typically they hurt each other’s feelings in seemingly meaningless moments that appear to be about absolutely nothing.

What matters is not the fight itself. What matters is how partners respond to negative emotions in the relationship. If couples see the conflict as an opportunity for growth, they can attune to each other and increase their understanding of one another, deepening their trust in each other and in the relationship.

If partners dismiss the negative emotions in these situations, they may eventually reconnect with one another, but trust will erode a little. Over time, small and meaningless incidents will compound until partners are left feeling hurt, sad, and alone.

Instead of reaching out for each other’s hand, you begin pointing fingers and crossing arms. Instead of talking all night, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You feel like you’re too scared to speak about how you feel in fear of starting another fight.

Maybe it’s been so long since you connected with each other that you feel like cellmates instead of soulmates. Am I right?

Why Relationships Fail

Negative events will always happen in relationships, but that isn’t what turns us into cellmates. Relationships fail when the Story of Us is focused on the problems partners create, not the love partners offer.

Practically every moment of your life is narrated by a voice in your head. That voice is either going to remind you how amazing your partner is or how terrible they are to you. Those stories are then rehearsed repeatedly in your mind. If your story is focused on the negative, you slowly disconnect, sometimes without even realizing it.

It’s like a stone in your shoe. Over time, it becomes so irritating that you take off your shoe and throw the rock as far away as possible. If we constantly have a narrator telling us how negative our relationship makes us feel, then we start to see our partner as selfish. We stop believing our partner has our best interests at heart. Our potential for disconnection and betrayal increases over time.

The lovey dovey feelings we once had are replaced with loneliness, frustration, and anger. Each small incident only increases the potential for betrayal or breakup.

There is a point in our relationships when the negative story takes over and dominates all positive stories of our lover. Dr. Gottman calls this being in the “negative perspective.” Even if our partner does something nice for us, it is still a selfish person doing something nice. A person we can’t trust.

Fights Are Inevitable In Relationships

Incidents like Christina’s and Brad’s are inevitable in all relationships. According to Dr. Gottman, both partners in a relationship are emotionally available only 9% of the time. This leaves 91% of our relationship ripe for miscommunication.

While many see conflict in a relationship as a sign of incompatibility, it should be seen as a sign that the relationship needs growth to occur.

The feeling of disconnection from your partner can be used to find new horizons of communicating. Your sexless marriage can cause you to take a deep look at your integrity. It can teach you how to embody your deepest desires and how to truly want your partner and experience life-changing intimacy.

Typical conflicts are merely a reminder that a relationship is two different people working together to understand differences and love each other despite flaws.

What Makes Love Last?

When conflict occurs in a relationship, partners need to come together to understand each other better. The negative event is processed, and since partners work with each other, their minds focus on the positives of the relationship. The negative events are forgotten.

Trust is built when we are reminded that our partner is there for us. They reach out for us or grab our hand when we reach out for them. We realize our needs matter to our partner. We  forget the details about our hurt, and the negative event in the relationship slips from our mind.

Now when our partner is thoughtless, emotionally distant, or mean to us, the story we tell ourselves is that they are “stressed.” We trust them, so we repair the incident and reconnect with one another. Laughter and affection fill our disagreements because we know that this event will be resolved and our relationship will be better because of it.

So when a negative event happens in your relationship, don’t be like Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Don’t shoot each other’s hearts over nothing but misunderstanding. Use the event to build trust, to deepen your relationship, and to make it the best damn love story you’ve ever seen.

by Kyle Benson

 

Do you still think most of your arguments are about something important? What do you really argue about? What does the thing you think you are arguing about represent in your relationship?

 

Posts you may enjoy:

It’s Never Too Late To Be Amazing

Building Bridges or Building Walls

Rules For Fair Fighting In Relationships

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Spiritual Bypassing, Relationships and The Shadow

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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