Building Bridges or Building Walls

In relationships, we typically either build bridges or walls. When we build bridges, we work towards connection, intimacy, and safety. In contrast, when we build walls, we move towards distance, isolation, discomfort, and/or lack of safety. When we think about conflict resolution, it usually comes down to building bridges or walls.

Building Bridges or Building Walls - Providence Holistic Counseling Services - Amaryllis Fox Everybody believes they are the good guy

“We build too many walls and not enough bridges.” Issac Newton

When you think about your relationships, are you building bridges or walls in times of conflict and stress?

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Building Bridges or Building Walls – Reflecting On Professional Relationships

In my personal or professional life, I can learn much about myself by reflecting on whether I am working towards building bridges or building walls. It is easier in my professional life to be more consistent about building bridges or building walls. Generally, this is due to the fact that I do not have the same needs with my clients as in my personal relationships. The boundaries are clearer, and I am clear why I am there with you. Of course, I am human and have needs when I am with you; they are in the background, and your needs are front and center.

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Building Bridges or Building Walls – Personal Relationships

Personally, it is not as easy or simple. Personal relationships can be messy and complicated, whether with friends, family, or intimate partners. Our personal needs, wants, and preferences can get in the way. The ego makes itself known when we feel threatened, scared, or uncomfortable. Our needs can sometimes compete for attention. Fear tells us we need to protect ourselves; it is a survival instinct that can get distorted. Learning how to distinguish the difference between fear of circumstances and situations that may only affect us for minutes or hours versus fear in situations that may have consequences that last months, years, or life-threatening is important. For many of us, our nervous system can not discern the difference between these different levels of fear. Fear of not being accepted or liked by a new member of your social circle is drastically different from fear of crossing the street and a Mack truck not stopping at a red light!

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“If you are good at building bridges, you will never fall into the abyss!”  Mehmet Murat ildan

Building Bridges or Building Walls – Fear and Protection

When I think about building bridges or walls in my professional work, I think about the individuals, couples, and families I have worked with. More often than not, those struggling with the important relationships in their life are building more walls than bridges. We know this is about fear, which sometimes manifests as anger or rage. But it is fear and a way to protect ourselves from fear, sadness, and/or pain. Unfortunately, when we build more walls than bridges, it actually has a reverse effect. We usually feel isolated, alone, and unaccepted, leading to building more walls and fewer bridges. The cycle continues and escalates until the important relationships in our lives deteriorate so much that we stop talking to each other. Or we stop fighting and begin to start building bridges.

On the surface, building walls seems easier than building bridges. This is not true; it is an illusion. It may take more courage and strength to build bridges, but it is easier because we get what we want: connection, love, acceptance, and support.

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“Fear builds walls instead of bridges. I want a life of bridges, not walls.”  Lisa Wingate, The Prayer Box

Building Bridges or Building Walls – Conflict Resolution

In times of conflict, I encourage you to take a moment and think about where you are standing. Are you invested in building bridges or walls? Is the person you are dealing with experiencing challenges with building bridges or walls? If you are building walls, what do you need to stop protecting yourself and get what you actually need to build bridges? What do they need to start building bridges? What can we do to support this process?

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Building Bridges or Building Walls – Willingness Is The Key

If you are lost and confused about how to build a bridge back to connection and mutual understanding, the steps to take are not complicated. You can take a deep breath, share why you love them and how much they matter to you, and reach out and touch them to let them know that you are done building walls. Building bridges is not complicated, nor is conflict resolution in general. It is simply a matter of being willing to stop fighting, protecting yourself, and letting your Higher Self shine through! Love, caring, and commitment are not new or complicated strategies for conflict resolution and partnership.

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“Elegance in building bridges is rare. Elegance means beginning by acknowledging the other person’s reality. “Look, I know you have ADD and you get distracted and don’t follow through on your promises. It means lost, unpaid parking tickets that pile up with fines. I draw the line at losing our W-2 forms that I need to file for taxes. Do you agree?” Building a bridge means acknowledging why what you want is hard for the other person. Fights do not have to be either you or me. Besides the you and the me there is the us. Elegance in building bridges is a way to acknowledge the us.”

Excerpt from Rhoda Sommer @ RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT BUILDING BRIDGES

Building Bridges or Building Walls – Connection or Isolation?

I invite you to reflect on how you build bridges or build walls in your important relationships. We do this by putting aside our ego and pride and letting our hearts and minds be open to something better than fighting and conflict. If you really get down to it, which would you prefer: connection, support, and acceptance, or distance, isolation, and feeling unaccepted? If you choose connection, support, and acceptance, you are not alone!

Building Bridges or Building Walls - Providence Holistic Counseling Services

 

Other posts you may enjoy:

Open Up – School of Life

It’s Never Too Late To Be Amazing

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Stop saying sorry if you want to say thank you: A seriously insightful cartoon

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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