Dating Is Scary, But Why? Part I – The Breakup
Dating is scary, but why? During conversations with clients, friends, and family, I often hear men and women talk about how dating is scary. If you think about it, dating should not be scary, but dating is scary. But why is dating scary? I heard somebody once say, “Dating is scary because there are only two possible outcomes. You will either spend the rest of your life with someone, or you will break up. Both are scary.” For our conversation today, we are not going to discuss intimate violence in dating, but I did want to acknowledge how scary date and acquaintance rape is. I am not minimizing or neglecting date and acquaintance rape; it’s just not what we’re going to focus on in this discussion.
Dating Is Scary
Breakups are typically very hard. Emotions like sadness, anger, disappointment, resentment, confusion, loneliness, abandonment, fear, rejection, and self-doubt are just some of the feelings we experience during and after a breakup. Many self-help writers and speakers believe that men and women experience different emotions during a break-up. This has not been my experience, personally or professionally. Men and women do experience the same emotions during a breakup. The difference is not which emotions we experience; it is which feelings are the loudest and most forceful. The second difference between how men and women experience a relationship breakup is how we express emotions like sadness, anger, rejection, fear, self-doubt, and the entire continuum of human experience. In varying degrees, we all have specific emotions we try to suppress and hide from. It is also true that each one of us clings to certain emotions that are most familiar.
Dating Is Scary – Emotional Patterns
An example of emotions we may cling to follow. Let’s say a man was raised in a home where the only so-called “negative” emotions he was allowed to feel as a boy were anger and rage. When this boy becomes a man and is scared, lonely, confused, or rejected, chances are good he would turn to either anger or rage instead of experiencing the emotions that may feel foreign to him. In contrast, if a woman was raised in a home where she was not allowed to express anger or rage during a conflict or a relationship breakup, anger, and rage may feel like foreign or unnatural emotions for her to experience. It’s possible that sadness, loneliness and self-doubt may be her “default” emotions. It is important to acknowledge that whatever our personal “default” emotions are, they are not better or worse than anybody else’s. They are just ours.
Dating Is Scary – Roots of Anger
We know that anger is a second-level emotion. A second-level emotion is a feeling that needs another feeling to precede it. For the most part, we need to feel some form of fear or pain to experience anger. The fear or pain comes before the anger. Some experts contend that all anger is rooted in fear. When we are experiencing pain, it moves to anger when we fear that the pain will never subside and be like this forever. Others include sadness along with fear and pain as the underlying emotions that precede anger. My sense is that sadness is like pain; our fear of feeling sad permanently is what creates anger, not the actual sadness itself. When we scrape it all away and acknowledge that all anger is a product of fear, we know what we are dealing with.
Dating Is Scary – Default Emotions
My experience demonstrates that when people think anger is the root emotion, not a second-level emotion, it is very challenging to do anything but either express or suppress anger. I know I used to think that my anger was “its own thing”. I felt like dealing with anger was like being on a hamster wheel. The harder I tried to get rid of it, the worse it got. When I learned that anger was a second level of emotion, I felt like I finally had a chance to deal with my anger without hurting other people or myself along the way. Of course, sometimes, when anger or rage is very forceful inside of me, I forget and end up right back on the hamster wheel. This rarely is productive, if ever. I invite you to explore your “default” emotions. When you feel anger, can you trace back to right before you began experiencing it to see if you first felt fear and/or pain?
We can now see why dating is scary —if breakups are one of two possible outcomes. In Part II of our series, Dating Is Scary, But Why? We will explore why the idea of actually being with someone for the rest of your life might be even scarier!
Dating Is Scary, But Why? Part I – The Breakup. Part II is coming soon. What is your experience with dating; dating is scary; is this statement true for you?
Other posts you may enjoy:
Changing Dishonest Dating Culture
Listening As An Art and Skill For Improving Relationships
Does Kindness Make You More attractive? Research Says Yes!
Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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