Being alone. One of the greatest fears many people experience. Those in difficult and/or toxic relationships debate between being alone and being in a bad relationship often, even daily. Being alone can be a terrifying fear that can create desperation and self-destruction.
How do we know when a relationship has reached the point where being alone is less challenging than being present?
Let’s explore the basic premise that may need a “firmware update.” Most of us have been programmed to believe that being alone is bad and evidence of failing as a partner, possibly even as a human being. This premise is false and needs to be challenged, even if you are in a supportive and loving relationship.
Are there economic and parental challenges that may increase when you are alone? Yes, that is correct for many people. Here is the question to reflect on, “What is the cost of staying in the relationship and the ripple effect on children if they are part of the family?”.
I know that, personally, my parents being together and not loving or being kind to each other created long-lasting obstacles for me, affecting my sense of self, safety, trust, and belonging. I know that commitment is so important in relationships. All good lessons to learn, but not at age ten. The “cost” to my brother and I was deep and far-reaching. They thought being together was better than being apart, but they were completely wrong about our family’s situation. Many families stay together with parents living in separate bedrooms to co-parent and care for the home, and expenses make sense. This is based on them both feeling safe and comfortable with each other and not actively experiencing anger, frustration, and distrust. There must be trust, comfort, and safety so as not to cause long-lasting negative consequences for all involved. If the couple is still in the middle of an impactful divorce/break-up, it will probably make things worse. We have to weigh the costs of being together and the costs of being alone without using socially programmed ideals of what a family is and how it should function as the measuring tool. Please remember, those ideals were based on one person working full-time out of the home, one working full-time in the home, plus several family members and neighbors actively involved in the family functioning. The system the ideals functioned in doesn’t exist today!
Will sleeping in a large bed by yourself emphasize being alone? Of course, it will. Here is the question to ask yourself when faced with this decision, “Is sleeping next to someone I don’t want to be near or doesn’t want to be near me creating additional suffering, distance, loneliness, anxiety, pain, sadness, depression, self-loathing and physical symptoms feel better than having some peace and safety, and not experiencing disharmony in the home 24/7 but feeling lonelier?”.
On a deeper level, exploring why the fear of being alone is so forceful for you is incredibly helpful both in making a decision and preparing for life after the decision is made, regardless of the choice(s) you make. Understanding our fear of being alone is informative in our current relationships and future relationships. An intense fear of being alone creates an internal system that will make choices to protect that fear at the risk of not protecting other significant parts of ourselves with greater consequences or impact.
For example, if we have created a system that will protect us from being alone at all costs, we might not make choices or listen to “red flags” protecting us from physical harm. Narcissism and lack of emotional safety, intimacy, equality, affection, attention, respect, love and connection, etc..
I look forward to reading your comments and experiences on “Don’t Be Afraid of Being Alone. Be Afraid of Being In A Bad Relationship.”
Don’t Be Afraid of Being Alone. Be Afraid of Being In A Bad Relationship
Dating these days is hard because people are afraid of bad relationships. Let’s face it – things are a lot different than they used to be. Societal values have changed dramatically, and technology has revolutionized the dating scene (and not necessarily for the better).
Even worse, chivalry seems like it’s dead, but many modern women don’t mind since they feel more liberated than they did so many decades ago. That leaves men confused and women who like chivalry feeling like they’re missing out.
While all these modern-day changes may be good for humans’ advancement, it’s not necessarily the best for dating. You may have noticed this already, especially if you’re reading this article. People are confused when it comes to dating – they’re afraid of a lousy relationship, but they’re also afraid of being alone, so they settle for someone who doesn’t meet their standards. This results in lots of relationship problems.
What keeps a person in a bad relationship?
Many people stay in toxic relationships for various reasons. They think that being alone is worse, so they deal with unhappiness and/or abuse. Here are three reasons people stay in bad relationships.
You think there is no one better.
As mentioned before, dating is hard. Finding someone that is compatible is like looking for a needle in a haystack. It’s so difficult that it can feel like there are no good prospects out there. When you feel this way, it can be scary to give up a partner that you’ve already snagged off the market, even if the person is unhappy in the relationship.
Thoughts of everything you have been through can be stifling. You may feel like it’s impossible to find yet another partner to create memories with. It may seem like so much work to have to do it all over again.
The thought of going through the dating process all over again can seem tedious, especially if you already think there aren’t good prospects anyway. There is just no motivation to do better when you feel that there isn’t anyone better. You might give up on the idea of being in a happy relationship.
You must change this way of thinking if you’re ever going to be happy. It’s not easy, but you must believe that there is someone better out there.
Relationship coach Jordan Gray suggests that the best way to meet someone betteris to be better. Work on improving yourself, and you’ll ultimately run into someone better than your ex. Just remember, you need to leave the current lousy partner as soon as possible because you’ll never find that someone if you are stuck with the wrong one.
You feel that you don’t deserve better.
Perhaps you aren’t concerned that you can’t find someone better. It could be that you feel like you are unworthy of someone better. Clinical psychologist Suzanne Lachmann, Psy.D. says that feelings of not deserving better come from things that have happened in a person’s past that influences their outlook, or “in-look,” as Dr. Lachmann puts it.
Dr. Lachmann suggests that this isn’t uncommon. Everyone holds on to something from their past that makes them feel undeserving in some way. For some people, it manifests in the form of staying in a toxic relationship.
It can be hard to change this pattern, but the first step to change is to realize you need to change. For this to happen, it may take an outside influence to help you see the issues you are dealing with.
You may be financially dependent on your partner.
When you get most or all your financial support from someone, it can be terrifying to even think about leaving. The world is expensive and getting pricier by the minute. Good intentions don’t pay bills.
It can be tough to strike out on your own when you have no money, support, or resources. In fact, it can be crippling, which is precisely why you would stay in a bad relationship. However, this doesn’t mean you are stuck. It just means you need to prepare to struggle a little bit, and you need to get creative.
There are programs out there that can help people coming out of abusive relationships. They won’t provide the best resources, but they will provide you with enough to get out of the relationship and get to stand on your own two feet. If you’re worried about handling life alone, you may be pleasantly surprised at how well you handle it when you give yourself a chance to.
Here is why you shouldn’t be afraid to be alone.
Psychologists agree that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. In fact, it might be rejuvenating for a person to focus on themselves. Here are some reasons you should embrace being alone.
You can focus on building yourself up.
Being in a lousy relationship can do a number on your self-esteem. Your confidence may have hit the floor, and you might be at the end of your rope. When you are single, it’s so much easier to get your self-esteem back. This is because you don’t have some lousy partner eating away at your self-love.
If it helps, don’t think of being single as being alone. Think of it as you are dating yourself. Get to know yourself. Find out what you like – what makes you tick. Take yourself on nice dates and buy yourself nice gifts. Make yourself happy. Fall in love with yourself.
When you love yourself, you won’t ever have to worry about being in a bad relationship again. Your self-esteem and self-worth will be so high that no one can bring it down.
You’ll have room in your life for the partner of your dreams.
If you’re in a relationship, you aren’t going to be able to meet the right person for you. The right person will have too much respect for your relationship to deal with you. That’s exactly what you want – someone who respects boundaries.
Don’t miss your Mr. or Mrs. Right because you’re trying to hold on to someone who is obviously so wrong. It’s scary, but you must believe that there are good, worthy people out there that can make you happy. You also need to make sure that you’ve healed from dealing with the wrong person so that you don’t let those old feelings affect your new relationship.
You can believe that it’s okay to be alone.
People seem to give the status of “alone” or “single” such a negative connotation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attached. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be attached.
Society tends to make people think they should be dating by a certain age, married by a certain age, and have kids by a certain age. At one point in history, this may have been the norm, but now it’s not. People are more focused on themselves and their careers than ever before.
People are more interested in living life to the fullest before settling down, and that’s okay. If you take the time to fully focus on the things you want to do in life before you settle down, you won’t have any regrets later in life. You won’t feel trapped, and you won’t feel unfulfilled.
Don’t let anyone pressure you into believing something is wrong with you for wanting to be alone. Embrace all that being alone has to offer.
You’ll discover what you really want in a partner.
Being in a lousy relationship can sometimes cause you to have on blinders. You’ll be so consumed with emotions from dealing with your partner that you don’t have time to think about what you really want. Sure, you may wish that your partner did certain things or acted a certain way, but when you’re so emotionally invested in a situation like this, it can be hard to think clearly.
Being single allows you to focus on what you genuinely want in a relationship. The freedom you’ll have lets you truly get in touch with your feelings. You’ll have the added benefit of dating – even if it’s hard – and this can help you discover all the traits you don’t want in a partner.
Final Thoughts on Being Alone Instead of in a Bad Relationship
Humans are naturally social creatures, so it’s no surprise that people really don’t want to be alone. However, being alone doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever. Being alone can be a period of enlightenment that helps you grow and become a better person.
One thing is for certain – you shouldn’t stay in a bad relationship out of fear of being alone. No one benefits from a lousy relationship, not even the person that’s making the relationship lousy. If you’re in this situation, the best thing you can do is embrace being alone so that you can have a bright and loving future with the right one. In the end, you’ll be glad you faced your fear.
You may view the original post at POWER OF POSITIVITY
Other posts you may enjoy:
Red Flags For Your Relationships
Green Flags For Your Relationships
Building Bridges or Building Walls
Rules For Fair Fighting In Relationships
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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