Is Life A Series of Important Events or Processes?
I was reflecting the other morning on how we tend to think of life as a series of important events that mold and shape our world. As I sat with this thought for a while, it occurred to me that events are rarely events. They tend to be a process that has culminated with a defining experience; the “event” was just a larger experience in a longer, more defined process.
What Is An Important Event?
Let’s begin this exploration by looking at major life events like weddings, births, deaths, divorces, graduations, retirements, and birthdays. We can then see if we can discover where the process began and if it really was an actual event.
Are Weddings An Important Event or Part of A Life Process?
The first example we can explore together is the event we call a wedding. On the surface, a wedding appears to be a major event that takes place on a designated date, with lots of friends and family participating and witnessing the marriage of two people. If we look a bit closer, a wedding is the date that the couple agrees publicly, and often religiously, to announce their lifelong commitment. But doesn’t that commitment to each other transpire way before that date? Can a couple really get married without committing before they decide to get married? This can happen months or years before the actual date of their wedding. At what point did they contact a member of the clergy or an officiant to facilitate their wedding? Is that the “event,” or is it the public celebration with friends and family? Or is it the day they vowed to spend the rest of their lives together one morning over coffee and pancakes? Was the night they both declared their love for each other gazing into each other eyes the night their “wedding” began?
I recently read a blog post in Huffington Post titled Let’s Ban Weddings and, While We’re at It, Baby Showers Too. The author, Valerie Alexander, goes into great detail describing the concept of not celebrating a marriage till after a couple has been married several years, like more than five, because marriage isn’t a singular event, more of a daily process through thick and thin taking much more than a pretty dress and fun DJ to be successful. Her post may have been what facilitated my reflection on what is a process instead of an event.
Is Birth An Important Event or Part of A Life Process?
Birth. Most folks think of birth as both an event and the beginning of a process, life. But is it really the beginning? Does it begin as a fetus or an embryo? What about conception? Is that the beginning of life? Is it possible that “life” starts before conception as a thought form or energetic synthesis? When does life begin or the birth of a being? If a couple knows they are going to have a baby years before they conceive, is that the birth of a child or the beginning of its life? Are these just parts of a process we construct as events: life, birth, and life?
Is Death An Important Event or Part of A Life Process?
Death is a subject few enjoy speaking about or exploring. When does the event we term death occur? Is it the moment the heart stops beating, or blood is filling the brain? Can it be the exact second a being, human, animal, or plant, “knows” it is going to die? What about the man or woman who has had enough of life and wants to die? Is that when death occurs on some level? Could it be when The Soul, however you define The Soul, leaves the body? If a person chooses to “stop living life”, is that when death begins?
“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.” Mitch Albom
Divorce and graduation are more obvious; they are part of a process and less of an actual event, but we celebrate them as events. Now that we have explored various “events” and how they are part of a process, I invite you to continue with me as we visit, with our need to create events to mark major life cycles and transitions.
My experience has repeatedly demonstrated how important celebrating life events and cycles are with those who have witnessed or participated in our important moments. Each culture has its distinct way of celebrating these changes, but the need is common, almost universal. How we celebrate a boy becoming a man or a girl becoming a woman is differently expressed culturally. However, it still is part of our social life and acknowledges the transition from childhood to adulthood or at least the next stage in our maturity. We celebrate marriage and weddings as humans, but not every culture resembles the way we Americans do in the 21st century. It was not that long ago that the bride’s mother was the primary planner for the wedding. Today, couples typically plan their wedding themselves and often add some personal or familial touches to their wedding. This does not even account for the various religious influences on major events like marriage, birth, and death. One culture may celebrate an individual’s life at death, while the next cultural group is somber and subdued. One religion may bury dead members in the ground and have a service at the gravesite; another may have friends and family sit and grieve with them for three to seven days continuously. The critical part is the need to mark these processes collectively with joy, solace, sorrow, or celebration. There are no wrong or right ways to perform these rites, but we need to acknowledge them and give them whatever they need for and from us.
“If we are alone, we become more alone. Life is strange” Paulo Coelho
I was speaking with a Reiki student today who was informed Friday that her mother has breast cancer. My heart went out to her and still does. I, too, experienced a mother with breast cancer. Mine was diagnosed when I was age twelve, and she lived till I was in my forties! I often feared I was going to lose her, but she just kept fighting, neither cancer nor her death were an event, they were both a process. After my Mom died, me and some members of my family had a nice, small dinner together. I felt very supported and cared for. I am grateful for that simple meal and the company that was present. The end of that meal did not mark the end of my grieving for my mother’s death; in fact, I am not even sure it had yet begun at that point. Grieving is a process that has its own pace and means of expressing itself. For the first year after her death, almost every Wednesday, I would miss her. We had a running Wednesday night “phone date”. In the years that followed, I would miss her most before and after an experience that seemed to be of great importance, like moving to teach English in South Korea, returning to the States after hiking through Mongolia, and meeting the amazing woman who is my life partner! Each time, it stings less, but the sudden realization that I cannot call her on the phone startles me to this day. I am grateful for the friends and family that have been with me through this process and continue to do so. We all need folks to support and guide us.
As a man, sometimes I forget that it takes more strength and courage to allow help or ask for it than to refuse and deny it. Many of us men are raised to act like we need nothing and can do it all ourselves. Many women struggle with asking for help for different reasons, but we all know we can’t do this process we call life alone, nor should we. Life is meant to be shared and experienced together. Why choose to do it alone?
In your life, are you celebrating important events or important moments within a larger process?
Other posts you may enjoy:
Blindness – A Spiritual Teaching in Seeing
The Art of Knowing is Knowing What to Ignore
Spiritual Training on Humility – The Janitor Part I
Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counseling Services
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