New Relationship Energy and Ethical Non-Monogamy
New relationship energy can be amazing, full of life and fresh air! Everything tastes and smells differently. Alarm clocks seem less annoying; laundry creates an opportunity to recall recent memories of what I wore when we did ______, and traffic jams offer space for a few quick texts to say, “Hello and I miss you”. There is a part of most of us that wishes we could hold on to these moments forever. However, there can be obstacles that this magical period produces. The transition to a potential long-term relationship and all that often accompanies this shift can feel disappointing and “normal” all too quickly. The alarm clock and traffic return to their annoying selves. Staying up till 2:00 am talking is about whose turn it is to do the dishes or laundry instead of whose turn it is to receive a back rub or foot massage. It happens in a flash.
Many of these experiences are magnified in ethical, non-monogamous relationships. There is the potential for the original anchor relationship to feel flat and boring in contrast to the new relationship energy. This is normal and to be expected. The problem is when we think that new relationship energy is sustainable. Therefore, we discount the value and importance of our original relationship, and it suffers from a lack of nourishment and/or passion. Our original partner feels betrayed and forgotten. This may make them feel jealous and not honor the pre-arranged agreements and consent. This may not be accurate. They probably feel left out and ignored, which is challenging for most of us. We need to recommit to them and the relationship while continuing to support the new relationship energy with our new partner. Trust and respect are essential during these sensitive junctures(when aren’t they?).
New relationship energy is an incredible gift, whether we are single or in an ethical, non-monogamous relationship. I encourage you to immerse yourself in this revitalizing energy and embrace it, knowing it will shift at some point to something different—and that is okay!
The following articles focus more on new relationship energy in the context of ethical non-monogamy. Still, the perspectives they share are valuable to anyone entering an exciting new relationship experience!
New Relationship Energy: Polyamory’s Double-Edged Sword
New relationship energy is a powerful feeling.
Posted December 7, 2021 Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster
KEY POINTS
- It is not uncommon for people to mismanage new relationship energy significantly enough that they sour their original partner on polyamory.
- Keeping perspective is essential to managing new relationship energy.
- To maintain a healthy polyamorous relationship, keep long-term goals in mind, and stay gracious, thoughtful, and connected with all partners.
New love is magical if you’re the person experiencing it. For the other people around—the people who have to sit patiently while you text your new boo under the table, who’ve had lunch plans canceled five times in a row in favor of an impulse date, who’ve sat through the millionth “do you think she likes me as much as I like her” conversation in a day—it might not be quite so charming.
That’s the double-edged sword of what people in the polyamory community call “new relationship energy.” There’s nothing wrong with new relationship energy in itself. One of the amazing things about polyamory is that it allows people to experience all the magic of new love without destroying a long-term, stable relationship in the process. When it works, it’s a beautiful alternative to serial monogamy and infidelity.
That said, it’s not uncommon for people to mismanage new relationship energy (or NRE) significantly enough that they sour their original partner on polyamory. NRE is one of the most powerful emotional experiences in the world—and, therefore, one of the most challenging to manage effectively. Basically, in the throes of NRE, many people turn right back into hormone-addled teenagers—with all the accompanying mood swings, rebellion, and bad attitude—if they’re not careful.
That doesn’t mean you or your partners are doomed to hurt each other. It’s totally possible to manage NRE effectively, and the first step is simply being aware of the phenomenon. NRE happens; it’s a normal and predictable response to a new relationship. It also fades with time because it’s very expensive metabolically for your body to keep producing the chemicals that maintain the NRE state of mind.
Knowing that NRE will happen and that it’s not going to last forever might help you plan for how you want to conduct yourself when new love sweeps you off your feet.
Managing NRE effectively is all about keeping perspective:
- Look to the future. Part of the reason people behave so badly during NRE is because they get swept away and lose sight of their long-term relationship goals. Knowing that NRE will fade away with time, ask yourself: how do I want to look back on this period in my life and my relationship (and by this, I mean the ORIGINAL relationship)? How can I conduct myself now to make myself proud of myself in the future? What might make me feel embarrassed or disappointed in myself later? What kind of partner do I want to be in this situation, and what can I do to get there?
- Resist the emergency mindset. NRE makes it feel like seeing your new crush is the most important thing in the world. It isn’t. Resist the urge to break plans to see them, sneak around to get more time, or tune out of your interactions with other people to daydream about them. When you feel a bit shaky, remember what you decided in point one about what kind of person and partner you want to be.
- Make time for special moments with your other partner(s). It can be easy for a longer-standing partner to feel like they’re old news compared to the exciting new crush—especially if they’re getting stuck with all the “boring life stuff” while you go on romantic adventures with your new squeeze. Make sure that you show your appreciation in whatever way makes your partner(s) feel most special, and give them your full attention when you’re together—no texting under the table.
- Don’t try to please all the people, all the time. This is an issue I see with NRE, particularly in people who tend a bit toward the people-pleasing or conflict-avoidant side of things. When you’ve got a new person who wants lots of your time and another partner or couple of partners who might be feeling a little insecure and jealous, it can be tempting to run back and forth, showering everyone with love and trying not to disappoint anyone. This is a surefire way to wear yourself out completely, and I can promise you right now that you’re not going to meet your goal of never disappointing anyone ever. The truth is, if you have multiple people who all want a piece of your time, you’re going to have to say “no” to some of them, at least some of the time.
Rather than pleasing everyone 24/7, strive to be straightforward, open, and consistent. It might lead to some disappointment at the moment, but it will build trust and respect in the long term.
- If one of your partners gets swept away by someone new, how will you want them to treat you? If you’ve set a precedent for being self-absorbed, breaking agreements, and generally acting rude, don’t be surprised if your partner follows your example! Remember that, soon enough, the shoe may well be on the other foot.
- Spread the love. There are some real potential upsides to NRE: the zest, joie de vivre, and lust for life that it brings can cross over from your new squeeze to all your relationships. Is NRE bringing out a playful, adventurous side in you? Increasing your libido? Making you feel sexier and more confident? Maybe you can bring some energy to your longer-standing relationship(s).
Although I’ve focused on the pitfalls of NRE in this article, I want to end on a more positive note. The opportunity to experience new love while maintaining long-term connection(s) is a very lovely aspect of polyamory. Enjoy it! As long as you can keep your long-term goals in mind and stay gracious, thoughtful, and connected with all your partners, this can be a truly magical experience.
About the Author
New Relationship Energy: What It Is & How to Deal With It
How to sustain long-term relationships when you have a new crush.
Posted October 17, 2019 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Polyamorists have a penchant for making up terms to describe their experiences, in part because common-use languages often lack words sufficient to encompass the range of interactions and emotions present in poly relationships. One of the terms English-speaking poly folks have coined is New Relationship Energy, which they usually abbreviate to NRE.
What is NRE?
Polyamorous people describe the glowing, exciting, bubbly feeling of being enraptured with a new partner as new relationship energy. Monogamists can experience this effervescent glee as well, usually when they have just begun to date someone about whom they are quite excited. Closely akin to the feeling of falling in love, NRE happens when people are fascinated with each other but not yet aware of the negative aspects of their new crush. In the grips of NRE, everything the new hottie says is captivating—but it is not yet clear, say, that they have terrible politics or leave their dirty clothes all over the living room.
Dangers of NRE
For polyamorists and others in consensually non-monogamous relationships, NRE can be dangerous for their long-term relationships. While they may have been just as enraptured with their long-term partner(s) when they first met, it is likely that the fascination with that person’s grocery-shopping strategy or stance on local school board elections has long since lost its luster if they have been together for many years. It does not mean that the new relationship is any better or that the recent sweetie is any more interesting; just that the longer-term partner is a known quantity and the new person still has the shiny glow of novelty that makes them seem both more interesting and less flawed. While NRE can be a fun, endorphin-saturated experience, it can be difficult for longer-term partners who feel ignored or overlooked in favor of the exciting new toy. In other words, NRE can contribute to jealousy or compersion, depending on how the people involved handle themselves.
Dealing with NRE
Experienced polyamorists come to anticipate and compensate for NRE. While they might be tempted to stay up all night talking about the comparative merits of kale versus mustard greens with the new partner, polys in long-term relationships come to recognize that NRE can give any new relationship the impossible glow of perfection. Rather than believing it to be The Truth about the new partner, practiced polys tend to allow themselves to enjoy the ride without taking it too seriously. Community wisdom holds that making major decisions about life when in the grips of NRE is a bad idea, and having a child, quitting a job, or moving to a different state to be with a new beloved is generally not advised within the first year of a any kind of relationship, poly or otherwise.
Further, people who have repeatedly experienced NRE know both to take it with a grain of salt and to make sure to pay attention to their longer-term partners as well. Ignoring a beloved of 20 years in favor of a new flame of two weeks has created difficulties for so many poly relationships that community wisdom dictates overcompensating with the longer-term partner to avoid even the appearance of taking that person for granted.
To retain the closeness of long-term relationships, poly folks tend to make an extra effort to do special things for their partners of many years. This generally includes scheduling date nights, bringing flowers and other small gifts, paying attention, giving compliments, initiating sex in new and exciting ways, and generally proving in every possible way that they still highly value their long-term relationships. One of the respondents in my 25-year study of polyamorous families said it was like archery: When shooting at a target in a stiff wind, archers actually aim off to the side of the target and allow the wind to blow the arrow to the bullseye. For people who are new to polyamory or other forms of CNM, it is very important to be aware of NRE and take pains to keep it from interfering with long-term loves.
About the Author
Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., is an expert on polyamory and sexual-minority families with children. She is the author of Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous
To view the original article New Relationship Energy: What It Is & How to Deal With It.
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