Co-Regulation is when two people provide support for each other as a means of creating emotional safety, security, and connection. We need to connect with other people. It is that simple. There is a lot of information out there that convinces people that the goal is to be “self-sufficient” as if that is possible even if it were true. There never has been and never will be a time when being self-sufficient is best for us. Besides, we need food, shelter, the earth, sun and moon, water, air, clothing, beds, transportation, tools, machines, soil, trees, etc.; we need others whether we like it or not! We are not built to be self-sufficient, and that is a blessing!
We are wired to be connected with other people and possibly other species. Many of us were not taught or demonstrated how to do this in a healthy, safe manner. This makes the illusion of trying to be self-sufficient seductive and tempting. We want to find a more straightforward method than investing the time and energy required to build these safe and healthy relationships. We want an easy way out where it is unnecessary to lean into our fears of connection and intimacy.
Most folks are terrified of letting others in and allowing ourselves to be that vulnerable and exposed.
So what do we do? We begin by creating inner safety and a sense of security that “I will be OK no matter what.” This sense of safety and security provides the foundation for us to trust others because we know we are solid and secure. They may hurt us, but we will survive and, over time, thrive. Connection with others is what supports us in being independent.
“A lot of self-help and relationship advice encourages us to be totally emotionally self-sufficient. I’ve read many times in many places that I should remember that I don’t need anyone other than myself. The reality is that this simply isn’t true. Human beings are social animals that have evolved nervous systems literally built for strong connection. Our sense of connectedness in our relationships is extremely important for our capacity to feel safe in the world. In fact, our connectedness in our relationships is what allows for true independence, because we know we have a safe place to come back to and be soothed when we need it. I think there can be a lot of subtle shaming of this healthy interdependence and I think it’s important to counter those messages with an assertion that it is absolutely okay to need other people. Learning how to be connected in a healthy and regulated way with trust worthy people can be hard work for traumatized people, but I have found it to be the most rewarding work of my recovery.” Clementine Morrigan
An additional problem with the “self-sufficiency model” is that many people trying to achieve this elusive state feel like failures because they cannot make self-sufficiency sustainable—it is not sustainable or achievable! It is a hamster wheel, not a healthy system of connection and interdependence.
Some people within the Zen and other Buddhist or mindfulness communities have tried to design a world for themselves where they are practicing non-attachment but are practicing isolation and a closed heart. They become lonely and distant from their friends, family, and partners. This is another example of trying to achieve self-sufficiency, which isn’t possible, even though great Buddhist Teachers like Tich Nhat Hahn, The Dalai Llama and Pema Chodron have explicitly taught otherwise.
“The process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers. Co-regulation involves various types of responses, including but not limited to: a warm, calming presence and tone of voice, verbal acknowledgement of distress, modeling of behaviors that can modulate arousal, and the provision of a structured environment that supports emotional and physical safety. Responsive caregivers pay close attention to the shifting emotional and physiological cues of their children, while also regulating their own emotional state. When caregivers are able to demonstrate attunementand provide supportive, consistent responses in the midst of arousal, children develop a growing capacity for self-regulation. The human need for co-regulation evolves throughout childhood and adolescence and remains throughout the lifespan, although for those with healthy early development it decreases incrementally as youth internalize the skills supported in relationship and learn to self-soothe.
People impacted by complex trauma often struggle significantly with self-regulation throughout life, and complex trauma treatment calls for a focus on co-regulation in the therapeutic relationship. A therapist in the role of co-regulator monitors their own window of engagement and strives to be attuned to the moment-to-moment regulatory needs of the client. For example, an individual who is triggered by an overwhelming memory in therapy and demonstrating hyperarousal may need the therapist to shift his tone and speed of voice to lead them to a calmer, grounded state. Alternatively, a client who has a history of feeling invalidated and is telling a painful story in a dismissive or nonchalant manner may need the therapist to increase the intensity of her emotional response and embody a higher level of energy in the room. The timing and pacing of therapeutic intervention are relevant to co-regulation, as trauma therapists seek to structure treatment in a way that increases an individual’s window of tolerance over time.” Excerpt from Complex Trauma Resources.
Other posts you may enjoy:
Why Connection Matters
A Social Experiment in First Impression
Alternative Cause of Addiction – Connection
A Cure for Loneliness – How To Make Connects That Count
Drop Dead Gorgeous Syndrome – Curse, Blessing or Both?
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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