Rock Stars and Groupies: Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Yoga Teacher-Student Relationship

Narcissistic co-dependence exists in many fields, not just the yoga teacher-student relationship. As the author mentions, narcissistic co-dependence is prevalent in the therapy and counseling community; it is a “thing” for sure. I can honestly say that I have experienced narcissistic co-dependence in relationships as both a student and a teacher through Reiki and other modalities of the spiritual community.

Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Teacher-Student Relationship

My teacher often talks about “keeping your work in the basement”.  I think this is brilliant! It is important for those who are working with people who are vulnerable or need guidance to be mindful of “keeping your work in the basement” as a means of avoiding narcissistic co-dependence. I understand that keeping it in the basement means that spiritual teachers and guides must never think or act like they are important or have all the answers. We are all human, therefore flawed at best, but equally amazing and beautiful. The ego can tell us we are better or worse than others; it is a lie. Some of us may indeed have developed and grown mentally, emotionally, or spiritually, but that does not make us better. As far as I know,  we all put food in one end, and it comes out another end. In some shape or form, we all experience birth and death, fear and safety, connection and separation, love and hate, and the entire spectrum of emotions. The degree to which one of us experiences any of these emotions fluctuates from person to person and minute to minute.

Narcissistic Co-Dependence: The Dalia Lama

I had the opportunity to receive teachings from The Dali Lama for ten days in 1999! It was at least as amazing as you can imagine it would be. At the end of the ten-day training, when summing up our collective experience, he shared something that made me laugh. I am going to paraphrase what he said, “I hope these ten days were helpful to you. I did my best to offer you these teachings. If nothing else, at least I stayed healthy the ten days we were together.” This training with The Dalai Lama was in Bloomington, Indiana, where his older brother lives. He had visited there a few years before this training and was sick and coughing for several days. I think this is an excellent example of humility, being present, and being 100% human.

This reminds me of a short video clip of Nelson Mandela preparing to appear on Oprah. I will include the video so you can experience it for yourself.

If people like Nelson Mandela and The Dalai Lama do not see themselves as more important or better than anybody else, why should you or I?

Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Teacher-Student Relationship: Healers

It is very common in the spiritual community for “healers” to act as if they have some divine gifts or powers. I have experienced a few people who possibly do. Most do a really good job acting as if they do and finding vulnerable people who will support this illusion – narcissistic co-dependence at its best. He is one of these truly gifted people whom I have known, and he makes me smile every time I think of him. I recall three of us, my teacher, him, and I, sitting around having a fun conversation back when New Age gurus were first becoming a thing. That was before the Internet and New Age gurus became international celebrities. My friend was the kind of guy who lost hair combs often, so his solution was to wear a baseball hat every day. My kind of guy. During our playful discussion, I remember Scott saying out loud and laughing heartily, “I think I will change my name to Shri Scott Baba Baba and get business cards made up!” We all laughed so hard for what must have been five minutes! Little did we know that this sort of thing would be commonplace in the spiritual community only a short time later.

Narcissistic Co-Dependence: Eddie Murphy Holy Man Trailer

I remember when Deepak Chopra used to take pictures without cosmetics and Photoshop. When no Hatha Yoga instructor would show up to teach a class, they would spend more time making sure they looked “healthy” for class than making sure all of their energy centers were aligned and balanced before they arrived.

Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Teacher-Student Relationship: Avoidance

One of our hidden gems of QiGong Masters here in the United States practices in Danbury, Connecticut. If you ever have the opportunity to experience one of his Six-Day Qi Healer Intensives, I encourage you to do so. Grandmaster Tzu Kuo Shih is very skillful in demolishing the narcissistic co-dependence that his students try to create. One of the ways he does this is to make sure he never shows how far his spiritual development has taken him. In fact, he teaches his students never to show a student all of their colors. By showing all your colors, you would be showing off and creating a situation in which they may feel inferior. Who or what (besides the ego) benefits from this? If there is a need for your students to respect you as a teacher, you offer enough for them to evaluate your work accurately, nothing more. I think we can all agree that hierarchical relationships rarely create positive environments for people to grow and prosper. Respect is necessary; being put on a pedestal is not necessary or productive.

Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Teacher-Student Relationship: Seduction

Early in my work as a Reiki Counselor, Reiki Teaching Master, Life Coach, and Spiritual Guide, there was a desire for narcissistic co-dependence. The ego was still fully in charge. There were times this was expressed through the narcissistic co-dependence of young, vulnerable women. Together, we created narcissistic co-dependence. They needed to get something from me, and I needed to get something from them. The interesting fact is that neither one of us had our needs effectively filled by narcissistic co-dependence. In reality, my need was to feel important. Their need was acceptance and reassurance. Both of our needs could have been met in a more supportive and productive way without needing to produce narcissistic co-dependence. I am grateful for those in my life who were honest and honorable enough to help me see what I was creating and why and how to shift my behaviors and mindset. It took some time for me to have enough self-respect to not need to feel important in that way. This is still a work in progress, of course. The Worst Yoga Teacher Ever speaks to how easy it is to get lost or seduced by the roles of “teacher” in Yoga, Reiki, or any healing or spiritual teacher-student relationship where narcissistic co-dependence can prosper.

I have an ex-girlfriend/partner who pointed out to me how much power a woman feels from being able to seduce an unavailable man. In this case, I was unavailable because I was their teacher and I was in a committed relationship. In the student’s mind, seducing me might temporarily fill the need to feel attractive, accepted, and developed. This piece of insight was very helpful to me.  I am interested in reading your comments and experience of Rock Stars and Groupies: Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Yoga Teacher-Student Relationship. I encourage you to expand the narcissistic co-dependence relationship model beyond the yoga teacher-student dynamic; it applies to many situations where there is a possibility for unequal power dynamics.

Rock Stars and Groupies: Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Yoga Teacher-Student Relationship

by Carol Horton October 14, 2013

“There’s been a lot of talk about sex and ethics in the yoga teacher-student relationship lately, and with good reason.If we focus too heavily on sex, however, we tend to overlook the fact that there are often important psycho-emotional issues at play in this relationship even when no sex is involved. The better we understand these less sensational, but still important psycho-emotional issues, the more insight we’ll have in cases where small problems metastasize into big ones.The following excerpt from my recent book, Yoga Ph.D., identifies narcissist co-dependence as perhaps the most prevalent psycho-emotional issue involved in the yoga teacher-student relationship today.

“In America, yoga has become a mainstream and marketable cult,” observed Casey Schwartz in a 2011 Newsweek article caustically entitled Bow Down to the Yoga Teacher. Yoga teachers, she observes, “are, in a sense, performers. That’s why the narcissistically inclined can be drawn to the job”: In the recent past, around the time that $100 yoga pants became as common as designer jeans, the once inconspicuous yoga instructor has morphed into something more grandiose. Now certain teachers display all the monkishness of Keith Richards cooling his heels in the greenroom as adoring fans reach a peak of anticipation.

Becoming a yoga teacher allows an insecure person to act spiritually superior. But the dynamic is two-sided. For the yoga teacher to become inflated, the student must inflate. Yoga acolytes, like rock-band groupies, hang on the approval of their favorite gurus—thus allowing that narcissism to flourish.Is this unduly harsh and one-sided? Yes. But does it nonetheless capture a disturbingly real dynamic? Based on my own experience and the many testimonials I’ve heard from others, I’d say absolutely yes.Now, it’s certainly true that where Schwartz might see only sick rock star-and-groupie co-dependence, many yoga insiders might perceive a perfectly healthy, happy, heartfelt teacher-student connection. And often, there’s no single, simple truth to be had in the complexities of human relationships.

In many cases, what’s really happening between teacher and student lies somewhere in that more murky grey area between what such all-good or all-bad positions allow.That said, it’s important to recognize that the yoga teacher-student relationship is inherently fraught with interpersonal issues not dissimilar to those of the therapist-client. This isn’t to suggest that yoga teachers are equivalent to therapists: obviously, they’re not. There is a parallelism there, however, in that strong emotional and psychological experiences, which tap into deep personal issues buried in the subconscious mind, are not uncommon in the yoga classroom. Consequently, there’s a pronounced tendency for students who have such experiences to unwittingly project strong feelings onto their teachers.Rather than recognizing that their experience is a product of their own internal work, students may attribute it to the amazingness of their teacher. In other words, they think that they had an emotional breakthrough not because of the work they were doing themselves – but rather because the teacher is innately gifted and special. This kind of projection puts the teacher up on a pedestal where she’s no longer perceived to be an ordinary person. Rather, she’s imagined as someone imbued with a mystical ability to evoke powerful states in her students. This misattribution is potentially damaging. And this is particularly true in cases where the teacher feeds off such adulation and (without necessarily realizing what she’s doing) works to reinforce or even demand it.. . . Yet yoga teachers, unlike therapists, typically receive no training whatsoever on how to deal with the powerful psychological dynamics that come up in the course of their work. Sooner or later, many if not most students who open up to the mind-body-spirit dynamics of asana will find some intense emotions unexpectedly arising. Repressed memories may return. Material stored deep in the unconscious mind can suddenly bubble up to conscious awareness. And in most cases, it will be entirely unexpected. Beginning students are likely to have little if any idea that yoga can be much more than exercise. And even very experienced practitioners are going to have times when they’re caught off-guard, having emotions arise that are truly difficult to work with.Such dynamics put yoga teachers in a fraught interpersonal space. Someone may be a great asana teacher, and know how to give students the tools to link body, mind, and breath in a way that opens them up to deep and potentially transformative experiences. That doesn’t mean, however, that said teacher necessarily has any real insight into what students may be experiencing on a deeper, internal level. Nor does it ensure that the teacher has any knowledge about how best to work with whatever emotional forces may have arisen – including how to prevent herself from being unconsciously triggered by them.

Source: Rock Stars and Groupies: Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Yoga Teacher-Student Relationship

Narcissistic Co-Dependence in the Teacher-Student Relationship and You!

I think the narcissistic co-dependence in yoga, mental health, new age, recovery (sponsors and sponsees), spirituality, and many other communities is more common than you might think. It is easy to place the blame solely on the teacher or counselor, but this is not always correct. Narcissistic co-dependence needs both parties to be compliant if not actively seeking this form of relationship. Where has narcissistic co-dependence expressed itself in your life?

 

Other Posts you may enjoy:

Building Bridges or Building Walls

Acknowledging Pain Is Highest Form of Support

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Anger A Secondary Emotion – What Are We Protecting?

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Stop saying sorry if you want to say thank you: A seriously insightful cartoon

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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