Self-Doubt & The Big Question Mark

I am fascinated by how many strong, courageous, and successful people have layers upon layers of self-doubt.  Self-doubt creeps into almost every nook and cranny of their being. When others see them as bright, amazing, and enjoyable, they see themselves as stupid, mediocre, and a burden. This is where self-doubt interrupts the ability to achieve our internal and external dreams and aspirations.

Where does self-doubt come from? For most people, it is a response to childhood or adolescent experiences of not being smart enough, attractive enough, popular enough, or having important people in their lives constantly telling them they are not good enough, or worse yet, they are losers and will never succeed. If we hear any message long enough at a time in life when we are susceptible to being influenced, we will believe it. Youth and adolescents are typically very susceptible to other’s opinions of them, especially parents, teachers, coaches, or anyone they seek approval and support from.

I was doing some traveling in an old, beat-up van up and down the East Coast of the USA. I had landed in Charlottesville, Virginia, and I enjoyed strolling around the University of Virginia campus. One day, I saw a large sign promoting former White House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers, who was the first woman and second youngest person ever to hold that position, speaking about her new book. I chose to see what she had to say. The book was titled Why Women Should Rule the World. I was skeptical and curious.

She presented her book tongue-in-cheek to bring attention to the fact that companies, corporations, and governments benefit from having women seated at the table to make decisions along with men. She had spent several years traveling around the country interviewing women successful in business, government, and corporations. She wanted to find out what made them “different” from other talented, experienced, and hard-working women who did not reach the same level of success.

After the presentation, during the Q&A period, a young woman who identified as a grad student asked her specifically what she had learned from interviewing all those women.

Here is a paraphrased version of the answer that Dee Dee Myers shared.

“Great question. Two answers.

The first is to read my book!

The second is a little deeper. Somewhere on this campus, there is a woman with a 3.92 G.P.A. and a ton of excellent work around campus with many groups and two summer internships who has been debating for months if she should “waste her time applying” to grad school because she knows she won’t get accepted. She starts writing her letter to accompany the application and deletes it each time since she is absolutely convinced she will not get accepted with her “low grades and lack of experience”. She finally decides investing her time and money into getting an entry-level job is more valuable and lets go of the idea of grad school at Notre Dame.

Meanwhile, across the hall is a guy with a backward baseball hat drinking Bud Light while watching Notre Dame football on ESPN. He determines he wants to go to their grad school because he likes the uniforms the football team wears, and there is a cheerleader he thinks is really cute. While half-drunk, he fills out the application, including his letter, before the game ends. He has a G.P.A. of 2.89 and does nothing extracurricular except attend Frat parties. Three months later, he received his acceptance letter from Notre Dame. Due to the fact that not enough people applied, they made a conditional exception for him to attend. He never even looked up the academic requirements for grad school.

This is why these women reached the top of their industry and field. They were more like the guy with backwards baseball cap watching ESPN, they just applied to grad school, they asked for the raise, they ran for mayor against the guy who is running because he wants to change the zoning laws to accommodate his desire to add another parking lot to his car dealership. They said, “Fuck it. I want to start my own ad agency. I am sick of working for people that don’t give a shit about me or my ideas!” They don’t reflect on how to break the glass ceiling. They work on their self-doubt and acknowledge their experience, talent, training, and self-worth!”

The room fell silent as she stopped speaking. Nothing. She just stood there at the podium in front of the room full of students, faculty and community members. A moment or so later, the young lady who asked the question stood with tears in her eyes rolling down her cheeks and started clapping as did pretty much every other female in the room, plus a few men! I did as well.

Self-Doubt & The Big Question Mark

Many of us have a big question mark that pops up when we are trying to make decisions. The question mark is self-doubt. I want to ______, but I am not ______ enough, so why waste my time trying? And each time we do this, another dream, goal, relationship, and opportunity to be our authentic, amazing self gets squashed further and further down till we forget what we wanted from life and just do enough to get by without a life full of love, companionship, joy, fun, health, and security. We essentially give up and just survive, barely.

The Big Question Mark that interrupts us every time we want something that requires confidence, or even just a lack of self-doubt, grows with time and frequency and keeps telling us we are not enough. We do not deserve to be happy or healthy. We have failed and made poor decisions, and we should be “punished” for being human. Should I ask that person on a date? The Big Question Mark makes itself known. Can I really apply for that job for which I have waited several years for the person to leave? The Big Question Mark says, “Of course not”.  Am I attractive enough to show up at the event, looking like I am a Queen/King? The Big Question mark laughs and quietly whispers in the back of our heads, “Who do you think you are? Have you looked in the mirror lately?” The Big Question Mark becomes the loudest and most reliable voice in our heads till we hear nothing else except “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH”.

It is a lie!

You are good enough.

The problem is that when we believe we are not good enough, everything gets filtered through the lens of “I am not good enough”. Things that are not true appear to be true. Narratives that we create in our mind seem to have “evidence” to support this belief site.

We have the opportunity to shift this belief system by allowing others to offer honest, objective feedback and actually hear it! This can come from friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, life coaches, and professional counselors/therapists. The key is they need to be people who can share objective perspectives without an agenda. Many friends and family members have a hard time being able to objectively see us without wanting or needing something from us; even if that is wanting us to feel better, it still colors their perspective.

My first sponsor in AA (thirty-one years as of this writing!) in 1989 was the first person who was able to offer me objective feedback on who I was without needing anything from me. After him, I was the first therapist I had. It took me a while to trust her, but her feedback/perspective was always honest and objective. A few years later, I met the woman who became my Reiki Master, Spiritual Teacher, and Mentor. Her feedback and insights offered me a way to see myself through her lens. The fact that I was practicing meditation daily provided an opportunity for me to begin to slowly see myself beyond that narrative of “I am not good enough”. I also did some work with Louise Hay‘s not-yet-famous Mirror Exercise. The Big Question Mark started to make less noise and hold less weight. I would not have been able to do this without the objective and honest support of the people I mentioned above and others.

And, you must be willing to step out of your comfort zone. Like with both feet.

I want to be clear: the process was gradual, and I often thought it was never going to shift. It did. It can be for you as well. Self-doubt does not have to rule your life and hijack everything important to you. We can see ourselves with clear eyes and accept our strengths and obstacles equally. I am not a glass-half-full or half-empty person. I see a glass full of water and air.

Other Posts you may enjoy:

Building Bridges or Building Walls

Acknowledging Pain Is Highest Form of Support

Anger A Secondary Emotion – What Are We Protecting?

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki