Self-Perception: Barb

It was 1993, and I had recently moved to a new area of New Jersey where I knew few people. We were both attending meetings of the same self-help group. It had been six months since the first time I saw Barb. I fell for her before she even opened her mouth. She was soft, warm, and genuine in her walk and demeanor. When she opened her mouth to speak, there were no more questions; I wanted to get to know her. The only thing between Barb and I was self-perception, which was mine.

Self-Perception and Shyness

A common trait for me, then and now, is being shy and intimidated by women I find attractive. Besides the obvious challenge of shyness, I would behave differently than normal in her presence. This is a self-defeating system; if she likes the way I am acting, then she won’t like me when I am myself. Worse yet, if she doesn’t, she may never get to actually meet the real me. This pattern can still express itself to a lesser degree today.

Self-Perception - Providence Holistic Counseling Services - Dear Ones -Can we talk about something?For the last few months, I've been growing uneasy about a phenomenon I've seen playing out in the media over women's bodies and women's appearance.And no, this is not about the USUAL thing that makes me uneasy in the media (the exploitation and hyper-sexualization of women's bodies, etc. etc...) That hasn't changed, and I'm not tackling that today.This is about something new.This is about prominent women publicly criticizing other prominent women about body image questions, and about each other's private beauty decisions. I don't want to see this anymore. The history of women's bodies and women's beauty is a battlefield of epic (and sometimes violent) proportions. The last thing any of us need to be doing is judging each other and turning on each other. What really frustrates me is the patronizing tone that is sometimes adopted, when a woman who has made a certain set of decisions about her own face and her own body criticizes another woman who has made an entirely different set of decisions about HER own face and HER own body. You know the tone. It goes like this: "I just think it's so sad that she felt she needed to do that..."This is a tone of voice that fills me with ire, because: REALLY? Does it make you feel "sad"? Are sure you're using the word "sad" correctly? Does your neighbor's boob job really make you feel "sad"? Does that movie star's plastic surgery genuinely make you feel "sad"? Are you honestly crying into your pillow at night about somebody's Brazilian butt lift — the way you would cry about a death in the family? Honestly?Or are you just judging a sister, and hiding your judgment behind a screen of moral appropriation?Check yourself.No decision that any of us make about our appearance makes us morally better or morally worse than any other woman.The scale of beauty in our world is vast and complicated and often politically, socially, and culturally confounding. At one extreme, you have the "all-natural" obsessives, who judge anybody who artificially alters her appearance in any manner whatsoever as vain and shallow. At the other of the scale are the extreme beauty junkies, who will do anything for an enhanced sense of beauty, and who judge everyone else as slovenly and drab. We all have to figure out where we land on that scale. Lipstick, but no hair dye? Legs shaved, but not arms? Hair processing, but no Brazilian wax? Short skirts but no bikini tops? Two-inch heels, but not five-inch heels? It all sends a message, and it all comes with complications. None of it is easy to figure out. And this is not even taking into account larger questions about religion, history, and cultural ethics. What looks like modesty on a woman in Rio de Janeiro looks like flagrancy in Salt Lake City. What looks like modesty in Salt Lake City is flagrancy in Cairo. What looks like modesty in Cairo is flagrancy in Riyadh. What looks like flagrancy to your grandmother looks like frumpiness to your teenager. What looks beautiful to me might look grotesque or even offensive to you. IT'S COMPLICATED.My experience is this: once we have decided where we land on that scale of beauty, we tend to judge all the other women who have made different decisions in either direction around us: This woman is too vain; that one is too plain...it never ends.It also bothers me that women who define themselves as liberal, left-wing feminists (like myself) will stand on a picket line to defend the right of another woman to do whatever she wants with her reproductive system — but then attack that woman for what she decided to do to her face.Let me break it down for you: It's none of your business. Every single molecule of woman's body belongs to HER. Yes, even her lips.Yes, even her butt. To judge a fellow woman for her choices about her own appearance is not only cruel, it also speaks to a fundamental insecurity that says, "I am so uncomfortable with myself that I have now become deeply uncomfortable with YOU, lady — and I don't even know you." So have some compassion for the fact that it is difficult for any woman to figure out where to place herself on that vast and emotionally-loaded scale of female aesthetic. And check your own vanity before you criticize someone else's vanity. (And do not kid yourself that you are not vain because you do not partake in certain beauty rituals that other women partake in — because you are also making decisions about your body, your face, and your clothing every single day. With every one of those decisions you are also telegraphing to the world your own politics, your own opinions, your own needs and fears, and yes, often your own arrogance.) No matter what you're wearing, you are dressing up, too.As the great drag queen RuPaul has said: "We are all born naked. Everything else is just drag." So be sympathetic. Everyone is facing her own battlefield in her own manner. And the only way you can express empathy about another woman's vanity IS TO BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR OWN.Once you have reached that place of authentic honesty about your own struggle, you will only ever show kindness toward your sisters.So here's what I do.When I see a woman who has lost weight, I say, "You look terrific."When I see a woman who has quit dieting and embraced her curves, I say, "You look terrific." When I see a woman who has obviously just had plastic surgery, I say, "You look terrific." When I see a woman who has let her hair go grey and is hanging out at grocery store in her husband's sweatpants, I say, "You look terrific." Because you know what? If you are woman and you managed to get up today and go outside, then you look terrific. If you are still here, then you look terrific. If you are able to go face down a world that has been arguing about your body and your face for centuries, then you look terrific. If you have figured out what you need to wear, or do, or not do, in order to feel safe in your own skin, then you look terrific. If you are standing on your own two feet and the stress of being a woman hasn't killed you yet, then YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.To say anything less than that to (or about) your fellow woman is to add ammunition to a war that is bad enough already.So back off, everyone. Be kind.You're all stunning.ONWARD,LG

After about six months, all of my friends were sick of hearing me adore and admire Barb from afar but not taking steps toward building a relationship. They pushed and poked me to finally ask her out. They gave me one week to ask her on a date, or I was not allowed to speak about her again. This method of coercion worked. It was a Monday night when I decided to go for it. I listened to nothing during the meeting that night. My mind was consumed with fear and doubt. I knew she would say no; I just knew it. Why would she say yes? Barb was talented, smart, popular, fun, naturally beautiful, loved by family and friends, had a good job, attended school, and was a joy to be around. Barb was the perfect woman for me.

After the meeting, I noticed she was helping clean up, so I joined the clean-up crew. I was patient as the room began to clear. Finally, it was just Barb and me. No more stalling; it was time to step up! I looked her in the eyes, trembling, and went for it.

“Barb, would you like to go out on a date?” I cringed and braced for her humiliating rejection.

She then responded naturally and casually, “Sure”.

I panicked; I had not created a scenario that included her saying yes! I had not considered that one of the possible results of asking her on a date.

We awkwardly made plans to go out a week from the following Saturday because she was going to be out of town the upcoming weekend.

She handed me a piece of stationary with the words “Expect A Miracle” across the top. Below she had written “Barb”, as if I could forget, followed by her phone number. Barb’s handwriting was soft and graceful. We said goodbye, hugged and walked out together in silence.

Expect A Miracle. I had just experienced one. Barb said YES!

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Self-Perception and Internal Dialogue

The following Monday night, we had some casual conversation about our weekends. Beth took charge: “Instead of waiting until Saturday, how about we go to the Diner and scoff down some food tonight?”

Oh shit, tonight? Now? I was not ready; I did not prepare. I was able to squeak out, “Great,” without actually deciding to speak. We left together in separate cars.

The five-minute ride to the diner seemed to both take forever and not long enough. As we walked in together, I was really nervous. I think she could tell, or maybe not. I was always nervous around her.

We sat, talked about food, and ordered, followed by a meaningless conversation to kill airtime. It was what we needed to do with our shared awkwardness now that we were on a “date”. Is it like this for everyone?

The food came; we started eating and talking. Fortunately, she did most of the talking.

At some point, I mentally drifted from the conversation into my head. I remember thinking, “WOW! My life has really changed. I am on a date with Barb! Barb! She’s gorgeous, intelligent, fun, warm, loving, honest, popular, and a good person; everybody loves her; she has positive relationships with her family, has a good job, and is going back to school. She is perfect! How did this happen?” Then, I drifted back into the conversation. I cringed, realizing what I had just done. Did she notice? Did I look like an idiot?

Then, what I heard coming out of her mouth floored me.

“I’m fat, ugly, stupid, no friends, nobody likes me, my family hates me, failing school, worthless job, and I have thought about suicide lately.”

What? What did I just hear? I quickly shifted out of my head to the moment. We talked for several hours till she felt better. We walked out together, hugged, and said goodbye.

Self-Perception - Providence Holistic Counseling Services

Self-Perception and Self-Image

My ride home was filled with questions, lots of questions. This was the one that was the loudest and most forceful, “If Barb is so attractive and she thinks she is fat and ugly, maybe I am not ugly. Maybe I have been wrong all these years. Maybe.”

As I approached a red light, I turned my rearview mirror so I could see my face, something I avoided at all costs. And there I was—not completely ugly!

When I arrived home, I skipped telling everyone sitting around the living room about my night with Beth. I scurried directly to my bedroom. I took off all my clothes and looked into the mirror. And there it was again. I wasn’t ugly. I did not make the leap to good-looking. Not ugly was a huge step for me. That was the last time I ever saw myself as ugly. My self-perception has been somewhere between average and good-looking since.

Self-Perception and Lies We Tell Ourselves

Besides opening my eyes to the fact that I was not ugly, I learned a valuable lesson. Our inner dialogue lies, and usually for the worse. We buy the lies because we don’t accept the evidence that contradicts these negative voices. We create a self-image that may not even remotely resemble the Truth. We live a lie, not knowing it is based on nothing but fear and deception.

Self-Perception - Providence Holistic Counseling Services - Will Smith

 

Self-Perception Can Shift!

Here’s the strange thing: I actually became more attractive from that night further. It was not just my perception that had changed; that perception now altered my face, body, and presentation of self. From these physical changes, women found me more attractive. Their attraction provided evidence to support my newfound appreciation of my physical appearance. The relationship between the inner and outer interactions with women began to feed each other. The ugly guy became the average guy and grew into the above-average guy. In fact, the ego started inserting a new lie, “You are the best-looking guy in the room”. This phase did not last long. I eventually landed where I am typically. I am not ugly nor a model – I am somewhere between average and above average. And that is OK. The same ego that lies and tells us we are ugly will then lie and tell us we are “it”.

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Self-Perception and Humility

Humility is being the right size – not too big, not too small. I wonder if any of this would have manifested if Barb didn’t share her self-loathing and suicidal thoughts with me that night. Would I still be walking around thinking I was an ugly guy?

As for Barb, she needed time and space to get herself back together. I eventually introduced her to a friend. They fell in love and got married. They were perfect for each other. We stayed in touch for a while. One day, I called them out of the blue, and they had just given birth to their first child, naming him Michael. I am still grateful for Beth, and that night, she altered my self-perception forever. Thank you, Barb!

(This piece was written in 2004 while living in South Korea. Some elements are not true for me anymore or have shifted one way or another. It feels important to share this the way I experienced it when I wrote it. Self-perception can be a moving target.)

Self-Perception - Providence Holistic Counseling Services - the mirror lies

 

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10 Signs You’ve Found Your Calling

Sex Makes You Beautiful and Healthier

Spiritual Change: Tie Your Shoes Different

Life Lessons Learned from Akeelah and The Bee

25 Signs You’re Succeeding At Life (Even if it doesn’t feel like it)

 

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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