Self-Sabotage – I Am Willing To Do Anything… But That
It is very common for clients whom I work with when asked what they are willing to do to grow or improve their situation, to offer a very specific and inspiring response. “I am willing to do anything and everything to make things better!” A part of me gets really excited about their enthusiastic reply. My excitement and optimism still exist after 25 years of this kind of work, knowing that we are about to embark on the first stage of self-sabotage. Self-sabotage can, at times, be really obvious and, at others, very deceptive and tricky.
I take a deep breath and ask them, “Are you willing to do____?” Their enthusiasm and conviction, which were on full display just a moment earlier, disappear. Some combination of resentment, bitterness, fear, and/or anger replaces the enthusiasm. Self-sabotage has now planted its roots and is ready to dig in to do anything and everything except for “that.”
When working with couples, I will invite one or both of them to let go of their need to be right or be the one to step forward to build a bridge instead of fortifying the wall. It is often met with an intense stare and, “I’m not going to do that till they do that first”. But you just said you are willing to do anything and everything to improve your relationship with your partner. The intensity increases in their eyes, face, posture, and energy. “I’ll do anything for them, but not____”. Okay, so you’re not willing to do that. How about this_____? “I’m not going to do that! Why am I the one that always has to do the work and make the first step?” In situations when working with couples, self-sabotage can also sabotage the relationship. This is very common in most struggling relationships.
When an individual is able to muster up the courage, strength, and humility to book an appointment and show up, chances are whatever challenges they are experiencing, they have been struggling with for a while. They may feel like they are at their breaking point. Some people decide to get support before it gets to that point. Many years ago, I was a drug and alcohol counselor. Typically, addicts have several versions of I’m willing to do anything to stop, but not “that”.
An example would be, I will do anything to stop using cocaine, but I’m not going to stop going to the bar drinking with my friends every Friday and Saturday night, or tell them that I’m stopping using cocaine or going to NA meetings. This form of self-sabotage can be incredibly damaging to any shifts or development/growth we want to make in our lives. At some point, we need to submit to the process and surrender. We need to give up control. Most importantly, it is essential to let somebody or something lead the way besides our ego!
Many people speak and think about their ego as something that is either terrible or evil. I don’t. I am pretty certain if you have had conversations with anybody willing to share with you the steps they took to shift and improve their lives, every single one will speak about how important the ego has been in helping them identify the open wounds that we feel like we have to protect at all costs. This is where self-sabotage is the primary obstacle. Whatever we are protecting, our ego has figured out sometime in our youth, adolescence, or early adulthood how to create situations so that we feel safe, or at least the illusion of safety. Without the ego, how would we survive?
The good news is we begin exactly where we are. The belief that we should be at a different point in our development can hinder us. We start where we are, regardless of where we think we should be. Besides, where else can we start except for where we are? The ego may confuse us by telling us that we should be ___ and ___ by now. If that were true, we would be there! The number of young adults that I hear speak about themselves in terms of where they think they should be in their career, economic situation, relationships, health, and structures like marriage and family is almost 100%. I know that social media can further the need to compare ourselves to others, even though we all know that social media is not real life. It may have elements of real life in it, but it is not accurate. Comparing ourselves to others in this manner is another form of self-sabotage.
There are several methods of breaking the cycle of self-sabotage. Most begin with an honest assessment of who we are, courage, and the willingness to take direction. Many people choose counseling or therapy; others choose Meditation, Yoga, or Qi Gong; creative expressions like art, dance, or music; others explore groups; the list goes on of different methods and systems. I experience that they all begin with willingness, honesty, and courage. We must let go of the need to protect ourselves from our fears and desire to feel “comfortable”. It is very rare for people to make significant and sustainable shifts without experiencing a period of discomfort. I am unaware of any way to do this without going through the discomfort.
What is your version of, “I am willing to do anything to improve my life, except “that”?” Are you willing to give up social media if that’s what’s needed, or drinking alcohol, watching porn, eating junk food, buying things you don’t need, becoming vulnerable/exposed, or getting off the dating app and actually going on a date, or participating in a group, quitting smoking weed, shutting down, or anything that prevents us from being the person we know we are capable of being? In short, are we ready to break our patterns of self-sabotage, or are we going to let comfort be our “religion”? What are we willing to do to allow our true selves to be present in our lives so that everybody benefits from our presence?
Are you ready? Really ready? Or will you continue to feed your ego through self-sabotage?
More posts you may enjoy:
How Successful People Stay Calm
Why You Don’t Need To Be Right All The Time
Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship
Do Something Good For Someone Else and Don’t Get Caught – Kindness
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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