I want to share an insightful story today about the power of VULNERABILITY in intimate and sexual relationships—especially new ones!
Identifying as a MAN in this modern day forces us to confront two things:
1. This God-awful advice about how we need to perform to impress others
2. The pressure to hide our emotional experiences
In a nutshell, suppressing emotions suppresses authenticity. When our true selves are not there, we HAVE to perform, and when we HAVE to perform we come across as extremely needy to women. Being this way makes it highly unlikely to attract a high-quality partner that suits us, and even if we do attract someone we like, the sex will probably be mediocre and disappointing.
The PROBLEMATIC TRUTH is that men perform because we don’t feel like we are good enough. We are afraid of being judged by women and made small in their eyes. We are often fearful that our desires will be considered pathetic and inadequate, so we try and disguise them and put on a show instead, running rehashed lines and predetermined conversation.
And although we may find ourselves interacting with others, we end up SACRIFICING CONNECTION—which is what we truly want more than anything else.
And yet we consistently get in our own way ALL of the time.
AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL!
As connection is the only reason that any of us are alive in the first place, this cyclic self-sabotaging behavior is incredibly painful.
At the end of the day, it’s the little boy inside of us that is crying out for love and attention. He wants to be cared for and nurtured. When he doesn’t know how to get what he wants, we (as adults) get ANGRY, we get RESENTFUL, and we DISTANCE ourselves from committing emotionally and vulnerably with people in both romantic AND sexual ways.
Because even when we get together with someone, those hidden insecurities never leave. They end up manifesting in other ways—such as the fear that we won’t be able to “perform” sexually or that we don’t really “deserve” the love of our partner. Our insecurities tells us that our partner has a hidden agenda to deceive or abandon us.
AND I GET IT.
I really do. I’ve been hurt quite a lot. I’ve been manipulated, cheated on, made small, etc. But I also recognize how I’ve made mistakes in my past relationships. I own my shadow, and I have discovered a way that the shadow can be one of my most powerful weapons. The secret is vulnerability.
Sexy Weakness – My Story of Vulnerability
After I graduated from college I was so much looking forward to life beyond school—especially a life beyond the hurtful and shallow relationships that I attracted during that time in my life. I wanted deep, meaningful emotional connection with a conscious, high-quality woman. I wanted an incredibly fulfilling sexual relationship. And I was feeling more free than ever before.
So I went to Massachusetts that summer and fulfilled a dream I had of working intensively in retreat with a teacher that I had learned quite a lot from for years on my own. At that retreat, I met a woman 12 years my senior, who I forged an immediate connection with.
We easily talked for hours about spirituality, qi gong, our pasts, our dreams, sexuality, and so many other passions. I was astounded that I had made such a cool friend so quickly—and that she seemed to be into me!
After a couple days of being in such a beautiful retreat space together learning powerful and activating techniques, we grew closer and closer, eventually shared a kiss, and, on the third day, spent the night together.
And although we both wanted to have sex—inside, I was actually scared.
Scared of what? Not being good enough. Not deserving such a deep connection. Not LASTING LONG ENOUGH for her—which is also the same as not feeling good enough. I entered her, and I felt my anxiety mount, and I felt my stamina wither as my stress built.
And then something incredible happened: I communicated everything. I was still inside her and told her exactly how I felt. I said that I was feeling inadequate and unworthy. I said that I was worried about not lasting long enough. I told her that all of this made me incredibly anxious and that I really wanted to please her.
She looked into my eyes with such deep, penetrating love and understanding—and all of the anxiety in my body melted away. We made love for hours that night—and pretty much every night after for the next week. All because I was willing to be vulnerable, to be seen, to be ENTIRELY NAKED not just in my physical body, but in my emotional body as well. My life was different after that.
The Common Thread of Our Dreams
I’ve spoken to a lot of men about what they want, and a lot of it comes down to just a few things:
*Freedom
*Joy/Happiness
*Ease/Contentment
*Love
And it’s so rare to find someone who has all of those things because they all depend on each other, and they really do all require true authenticity, vulnerability, self-knowing, and the ability to communicate boundaries and desires.
If someone can work on all of those things, intimate, emotional, and sexual ease are natural byproducts, as is attracting the PERFECT PARTNER for you and your life.
THIS IS WHY I’VE DEVOTED MY LIFE TO THIS WORK.
When I work with men on moving through their emotions of fear, anger, sadness, and frustration, what I have found is that these emotions are actually the keys to the true masculine power that so many people feel is missing from their lives. Balance with the feminine is also inevitable, and so is creating the loving relationships that we ALL want.
I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.
If you resonated with this story, I would love to hear why or have you tell your own story down below.
So grateful to have this engaged community to share each other’s sexual and intimate truths!
This article was originally published The Good Men Project.
If you have never read the book The Way of The Superior Man by David Deida, please do! He will push your buttons and perceptions about men, women, and relationships. He is not perfect, but he gets the core of what most men struggle with and how to work through those obstacles. Sexy weakness is an opportunity to shed ourselves of the chains of internal oppression and false bravado that we convince ourselves is needed and necessary to survive. It’s not. Sexy weakness allows us to be true to ourselves and others without pretending and performing.
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