6 results for tag: Dr. John Gottman


Jealousy – Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships?

Jealousy is one of the oddest emotions we experience as humans. It does not matter if there is a shred of evidence for the intensity of the feeling of jealousy. Our system does not differentiate between seeing your partner with another person and believing that your partner is with another person. This is similar to experiencing fear. Our nervous system responds the same way to the perception of fear and danger. Example: If we read a post on social media stating that an asteroid is about to hit Earth in our town, our nervous system will create hormones and thoughts to protect us. It turns out that someone posted this to annoy other people, and there was no threat. If an asteroid hit Earth in our town, the body and nervous system would still have responded the same way. Since jealousy is a form of fear, we have the same kind of experience. Example: If we feel threatened by our partner being contacted by their ex, we may feel a surge of jealousy, knowing they are connecting. Some people create all kinds of narratives inside their heads around why they are connecting and what it means to our relationship today. They may begin to distrust them and take steps to find evidence that there is a threat. And while doing so, we may view normal situations as evidence, confirmation bias. Now that we have "evidence" we may confront our partner and have trouble sleeping at night. And as the process escalates, our brain may create more "evidence" to confirm our fears. For some people, this can hijack everything else happening in their lives. Eventually, we find out that their ex was contacting them to let them know that a family member they were close to was killed in a car crash and the funeral service is Friday.
Based on the example above, what did we learn about jealousy?...

The Little Things That Make or Break Relationships

Life is often about the little things, especially in relationships. People want to know they matter and are important to us, and little things go a long way toward achieving that goal. How do you respond when the people in your life make bids and connection attempts toward you at random times throughout your days? Do you move closer or further in those moments? How does it feel when you move closer? How does it feel when you move further? I invite you to read this short article on the impact of little things on relationships....

Isolation in the Digital Era: The Power of Human Relationships

We are all aware of the potential costs of isolation—at least, we were before we became entrenched in digital connections. Human connections are suffering as more people feel increased isolation. I look forward to your comments and experiences on isolation from the article below posted on The Gottman Institute....

What Porcupines Can Teach Us About Making Love

Book Release: Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters - From Mobster to Reiki Master, A Memoir of Awakening & Transformation. Find out more about this exciting new book here. Buy Your Copy Now! How do we learn about making love? A book, our parents, porn, movies, TV, social media? How about porcupines? This is a hilarious and insightful video and article about relationships, sex, and making love. I will not add anything; please enjoy the video and reflection on making love. What Porcupines Can Teach Us About Making Love (Contains mild sexual content) Dr. John Gottman is not only a groundbreaking relationship researcher ...

What Are We Fighting For?

What are we fighting for or about? We all need to ask ourselves this question when we conflict with another person, especially a partner or spouse. As a couples and relationship counselor, whenever a couple shares with me about a "fight" they had recently, I often ask them after they have spoken in great detail how their partner was at fault and what they did wrong, "What was the fight about?". Both people start repeating what the other person said and did wrong and how they did it right. The focus is generally on the content rather than what the fight was about....

Dating Through Gottman Principles

Imagine everybody dating through Gottman Principles. What would it feel like to be and connect with people safely as authentic selves? Dating through Gottman Principles offers opportunities for connection, comfort, and a chance to get to know each other slowly and safely. I support the author's perspective of dating through Gottman principles, including meeting in real life soon after matching. Real life offers the opportunity to explore chemistry, feel the connection and energy, and experience your physical presence. Whether you are single, a couple, or practicing ethical non-monogamy, Gottman Card Decks are a fun way to discover all kinds of interesting and juicy aspects of your date! They also make an app for your phone or tablet as well. Dating through Gottman Principles supports connection, intimacy, and safety in all stages of relationships. The work I do with couples is loosely based on the Gottman Principles. To find out more about The Gottman Method....