27 results for tag: Trust
Jealousy – Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships?
Jealousy is one of the oddest emotions we experience as humans. It does not matter if there is a shred of evidence for the intensity of the feeling of jealousy. Our system does not differentiate between seeing your partner with another person and believing that your partner is with another person.
This is similar to experiencing fear. Our nervous system responds the same way to the perception of fear and danger.
Example: If we read a post on social media stating that an asteroid is about to hit Earth in our town, our nervous system will create hormones and thoughts to protect us. It turns out that someone posted this to annoy other people, and there was no threat. If an asteroid hit Earth in our town, the body and nervous system would still have responded the same way. Since jealousy is a form of fear, we have the same kind of experience.
Example: If we feel threatened by our partner being contacted by their ex, we may feel a surge of jealousy, knowing they are connecting. Some people create all kinds of narratives inside their heads around why they are connecting and what it means to our relationship today. They may begin to distrust them and take steps to find evidence that there is a threat. And while doing so, we may view normal situations as evidence, confirmation bias. Now that we have "evidence" we may confront our partner and have trouble sleeping at night. And as the process escalates, our brain may create more "evidence" to confirm our fears. For some people, this can hijack everything else happening in their lives. Eventually, we find out that their ex was contacting them to let them know that a family member they were close to was killed in a car crash and the funeral service is Friday.
Based on the example above, what did we learn about jealousy?... Conflict Resolution: Transform Your Conflict Cycle
Most couples struggle with conflict resolution. They may call it communication, anger issues, conflict avoidance, contempt, manipulation, narcissism, trauma response, triggers, etc., but we are often talking about conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution skills allow us to shift our conflict cycle to create an environment supportive of connection, safety, trust, and intimacy. Trust is the primary component of successful relationships and connections. Creating or rebuilding trust can take time, patience, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zone through conflict resolution...."What is conflict? Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything, all the time. The key is not to fear or try to avoid conflict but to learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.
When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two people. Whether you’re experiencing conflict at home, work, or school, learning these skills can help you resolve differences in a healthy way and build stronger, more rewarding relationships." Excerpt from Conflict Resolution Skills.
What Are We Fighting For?
What are we fighting for or about? We all need to ask ourselves this question when we conflict with another person, especially a partner or spouse.
As a couples and relationship counselor, whenever a couple shares with me about a "fight" they had recently, I often ask them after they have spoken in great detail how their partner was at fault and what they did wrong, "What was the fight about?". Both people start repeating what the other person said and did wrong and how they did it right. The focus is generally on the content rather than what the fight was about....
A New Study Reveals the Secret of Why Men Fall in Love
Book Release: Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters - From Mobster to Reiki Master, A Memoir of Awakening & Transformation. Find out more about this exciting new book here.
Why men fall in love. This is not as obvious as it seems on the surface.
When I was an adolescent boy, I was very confused about what it was that I liked about girls besides their physical appearance. There were girls who I thought were very pretty and attractive, but I had no desire to be with them. Conversely, there were girls that I was only mildly physically attracted to, but they were fun, intelligent, attractive, creative, and forces of nature, which turned me on in a completely different way. When attracted to them, physically, mentally, and emotionally, my brain didn't work well! I was flooded with emotions, feelings, and thoughts that I didn't know what to do with, and I felt shame about most of them. Looking back, I am aware that physical attraction was often the starting point. It didn't make sense to me because I did not have a "type" of girl that I was attracted to. I was confused by how I felt powerless about who I got excited about and who I didn't.
You Can’t Change Anyone — You Can Only Make Them Think
We can't change anyone who doesn't want or isn't ready to change. While I was still doing drugs and drinking alcohol, many people wanted me to change. They needed me to change.
When I got sober in 1989, I often heard a woman named Claire share, "I didn't see the light. My ass was dragging, and I felt the heat"! This was me. The walls were closing in, and I felt like I had no options. I know that I am not alone in this experience of people wanting or needing someone to change, but they weren't ready or willing.
My more than twenty-five years as a social worker, counselor, and coach have demonstrated that we can't change anyone who isn't invested in change. But we can inspire them, offer them a new perspective, and provide safety, support, and love....
Fight Languages: How we Argue Is Key to Healthy Relationships
For those of you who have been reading my posts for a while, you are aware of The Rules For Fair Fighting in Relationships. Many of you know the Five Love Languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D., introduced. If not, you can learn about them easily here. What are the five love languages? The concept of fight languages having a name is new to me. I understood the principles but did not have a term to express them.
How we fight with our partner(s), friends, family, and neighbors often defines the nature of our relationships. Understanding how your partner or friends/family argue is essential to creating thoughtful, loving resolutions, trust, and safety....
Co-Regulation and Healthy Relationships
Co-Regulation is when two people provide support for each other as a means of creating emotional safety, security, and connection. We need to connect with other people. It is that simple. There is a lot of information out there that convinces people that the goal is to be "self-sufficient" as if that is possible even if it were true. There never has been and never will be a time when being self-sufficient is best for us. Besides, we need food, shelter, the earth, sun and moon, water, air, clothing, beds, transportation, tools, machines, soil, trees, etc.; we need others whether we like it or not! We are not built to be self-sufficient, and that is a blessing!
We are wired to be connected with other people and possibly other species. Many of us were not taught or demonstrated how to do this in a healthy, safe manner. This makes the illusion of trying to be self-sufficient seductive and tempting. We want to find a more straightforward method than investing the time and energy required to build these safe and healthy relationships. We want an easy way out where it is unnecessary to lean into our fears of connection and intimacy.
Most folks are terrified of letting others in and allowing ourselves to be that vulnerable and exposed.So what do we do? We begin by creating inner safety and a sense of security that "I will be OK no matter what." This sense of safety and security provides the foundation for us to trust others because we know we are solid and secure. They may hurt us, but we will survive and, over time, thrive. Connection with others is what supports us in being independent....
Book Release: Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters
Find out about this exciting new book here.
My Memoir Available Now!
