Before We Fall In Love

I am so grateful I keep finding amazing and interesting articles to read and share. Before We Fall In Love from Elephant Journal is a beautiful, engaging, and creative essay on falling in love for real people, not like the movies and TV. The author, Kristin Monk, shares her version of what is necessary and important before we fall in love.

Before We Fall In Love, Let’s Do A Reality Check

For those of us who grew up in the 50s, 60s or 70s, we were raised to an over-idealized version of what love and family look like. I still have not met a family in my life that even mildly resembles The Brady Bunch. For that matter, who would want to? Who doesn’t want a bit of mess and confusion in their lives to keep things real? I remember as a kid sometimes watching the TV show I Dream of Jeannie. In my mind I can remember fantasizing about what it would be like to have a beautiful, amazing female genie that would be everything I wanted in life. I am sure somewhere in all of this were feelings about her overtly sexual nature, but as a child I do not think I would be able to discern or express that as something I was feeling. When I take a minute to reflect on this, it is ridiculous to think that what I wanted and thought would be amazing would be a female that’s entire function in life is making me happy. I am not talking about a female who is just really nice to me and happens to meet all of my needs and desires, I am talking about a female’s function in life is me. Somehow in my little boy brain this made sense. Even though I knew it was a fictional TV show about a fictional genie, I am certain that I believed it is something I might be able to have someday and it was possible, if not real.  With this version of reality created in my mind, it is not surprising that in my late teens and 20s my relationships with women were awful and ridiculous. I am certain I am not the only man who experienced this form of fantasy hoping it was reality.

Before We Fall In Love, Let’s Practice Honesty

At this point in my life, I am only interested in real, authentic relationships. My partner and I have a predominantly honest and genuine relationship. I would say that my 5 to 7 closest friendships are at least as real and authentic as my partner and me.  I love the interplay and interfacing of the simplicity and complexity of authentic relationships. I love the discoveries and disappointments, the tears of joy and pain shared together, facing our fears, risking vulnerability and closing our eyes while holding hands and leaping together trusting that both you and I are strong and courageous enough in our commitment to ourselves and each other to somehow land safely.

Before We Fall In Love by Krisitn Monk

“I’m not here to fix you. I’m not even here to figure you out. If you need to be fixed, or figured, or chased, I wish you all the best, but I simply cannot be involved—I don’t have the time, energy, or inclination. I am not looking for someone who is fixed, because I am still filling in my own cracks in many ways. But I need to know that you are capable, and willing, to fill in your own, without looking to me, or alcohol, or sex, or football, or outside things to fill in yours. From this place of caring deeply for ourselves, can we come together and care deeply for each other?”

“I need alone time. Probably about an hour every day to read, practice yoga, run, read the news, or just veg out. Some days it may be less. Some days it may be more. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It doesn’t mean you’re annoying me. It simply means that in order to take care of myself, and you, and everyone else in our lives, I need time to reconnect with myself. I will always give you this same consideration. If you need more, or less, don’t be afraid to ask for it—or anything else, for that matter.”

Before We Fall In Love, Let’s Get Somewhat Whole

I recognize there are many men and women who would love to have somebody come into their life and fix them. I am not one of those men and I am not alone. For all the men and women who want this, there are just as many who do not want to be fixed by somebody else. In fact, many of us do not need to actually be fixed. As Kristen Monk eloquently put it, we are all perfectly imperfect, but that does not mean we are broken and need to be fixed. Personally, I have plenty of growing and developing left as an individual and in relationships. I learned a long time ago, that we need to do some of our work by ourselves, but there is some work we can only do while in an actual relationship. I think some people get lost thinking you can do all of it by yourself through therapy, books and workshops. In fact, there are many professional therapists and counselors that convince people they can do their work sitting in a chair talking to somebody they’re paying to listen to them. Just like most things in life we can only learn so much without life experience. Relationships are not an exception to this rule.

Here’s the big question, why would you want somebody to fix you? If somebody fixes you, what have you learned going forward in life?

“Let’s agree that our relationship is a no judgement zone. You are free to be completely, 100% you. All of the burping, slightly odd, hogging the covers, overly generous, wickedly funny, crazy affectionate, million other wonderful you things that you are. Be them. Don’t ever hold back, even a bit, even when you think you will offend me or hurt my feelings, or that I will judge you.”

I think this is an absolutely beautiful and wise paragraph! There is running around America a myth that we need to change the men and women in our lives to fit our needs. Besides being incredibly self-centered and self-absorbed, why would you choose a person out of 7 billion possibilities throughout the world that you don’t love and adore the way they are? Why not find somebody who you actually appreciate and enjoy all their wonderful gifts and imperfections? Why do we feel a need to change the people we love?

Before We Fall In Love, Let’s Decide Who Side We Are On

“Let’s be on the same side. Ours.”  Kristin Monk

Falling in love is fun, scary, crazy, wild, and natural. Staying in love is the challenge. Before we fall in love, let’s be friends. Before we fall in love, let’s get to know each other. Before we fall in love, let’s heal some of our wounds so we don’t need to be fixed. Before we fall in love, let’s get to know ourselves first. Before we fall in love, let’s make sure we respect ourselves and each other.

Other posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

The Relationship Blame Game

Why You Don’t Have To Be Right All The Time

Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle

Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

25 Ways to Say “I Love You” Without Saying a Word

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Life Coaching and Reiki Counseling