Fight Languages: How we Argue Is Key to Healthy Relationships
For those of you who have been reading my posts for a while, you are aware of The Rules For Fair Fighting in Relationships. Many of you know the Five Love Languages Gary Chapman, Ph.D., introduced. If not, you can learn about them easily here. What are the five love languages? The concept of fight languages having a name is new to me. I understood the principles but did not have a term to express them.
How we fight with our partner(s), friends, family, and neighbors often defines the nature of our relationships. Understanding how your partner or friends/family argue is essential to creating thoughtful, loving resolutions, trust, and safety.
Jay Shetty on Fight Languages: Why Understanding How We Argue could be Key to a Healthy Relationship.
“I was in total shock the first time I heard about fight languages.
I didn’t know they existed. I’m familiar with the five love languages and have read Gary Chapman’s book about them a few years ago. But I honestly had no idea that how I argue with my partner also had a “style.”
In this video, Jay Shetty explains that how we express our anger, concerns, or emotions says a lot about us and our partner:
https://youtu.be/FsDjNMsyv3o
Like Shetty’s wife, I tend to retreat and isolate when faced with a problem—especially when it comes to relationships. Although I don’t encourage the silent treatment and I know that it hurts the other person, I’m not always able to put words together when I’m overwhelmed. Only space and alone time can help me to get myself together.
My partner, on the other hand, tends to be dismissive and sometimes avoidant. He has admitted more than once that he doesn’t feel comfortable expressing his concerns. Just like words fail me when I’m distressed, discomfort takes over his body when he’s cornered.
It goes without saying that things almost always go wrong when both partners are in silent mode. We have traded so many good days with silence when both of us could have communicated better. And trust me, talking about the problem months later is much worse than occasional blowouts. Talking about the things that have been swept under the rug holds so much resentment and hatred; you don’t want that if you’re opting for a healthy relationship.
Way before learning about the fight languages, my partner and I could sense that the way we argued was detrimental to our relationship. It has taken me years to practice (healthy) confrontation instead of retreating and he’s been working so hard on opening up and talking about what it hurts.
Although we still struggle with this, we have made progress in how we argue. Understanding how we fight has allowed us to understand what we want. As Jay Shetty says, we found that middle ground.
If you want a happier, healthier relationship, learning about your love languages is not enough. You have to learn more about your fight languages as well.
When I did this in my relationship, it has become a habit to instantly sit and talk about it. We even motivate each other to voice our thoughts so nothing stays in the dark.
If you don’t know how you fight, don’t be ashamed or scared to ask your partner. They might know more about how we argue than we do since they’re on the receiving end. Talk about how you can find your middle ground so problems don’t escalate into massive fights.”
This article was originally published in elephant journal. Here is the link to Fight Languages.
I am curious if Jay Shetty on Fight Languages moved you as much as it did me! What did you learn about yourself and your partner with new knowledge about fight languages?
Other Posts you may enjoy:
Building Bridges or Building Walls
Acknowledging Pain Is Highest Form of Support
The Marriage Lesson That I Learned Too Late
Anger A Secondary Emotion – What Are We Protecting?
Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility
Michael Swerdloff
Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki
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