There was a time when I was the guy who talked more than he listened; that may still be true, but the difference is that I listen today. I do not just hear your words; I actually listen to you. The difference may seem subtle on the surface; my experience demonstrates that the results are fairly profound. People enjoy being acknowledged and recognized; who doesn’t want the person they are communicating with to understand what they are saying?

I laugh every time I view this video on listening. Of course, it is not realistic, but I think it’s closer to reality than many of us would like to believe about ourselves. Broad sweeping generalization alert: Men and women listen differently, not just what we listen to, but also how we listen and respond to each other.

Again, this broad sweeping generalization alert: men listen more to content and connect through content as the primary vehicle for connecting. Women more often listen to what’s behind the content, feelings, intention, and energy, as the primary means of connecting; the content is not always at the forefront. In the “Lemon Scene” video clip from the film The Breakup, the male character does not acknowledge the female character’s need to be heard; her requests seem unimportant to him. To the male, a very exaggerated character of this particular male-type, he brought home lemons, which he didn’t recognize were going to be the centerpiece; therefore, the fact that the lemons were not fruitful is not relevant. To him, she asked for lemons, and he honored her request; she should be grateful. Of course, few of us are this extreme, but I think many of us can relate to the scene and how it plays out in our own lives. To me, listening was the key element missing on both their parts; this led to fighting, resentment, and the eventual breakup in the movie. I think this happens more often than folks think. The skill and art of listening are critical in our need for deep and meaningful connections.

“This is the problem with dealing with someone who is actually a good listener. They don’t jump in on your sentences, saving you from actually finishing them, or talk over you, allowing what you do manage to get out to be lost or altered in transit. Instead, they wait, so you have to keep going.” Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

 

“Listening is a skill that we’re in danger of losing in a world of digital distraction and information overload.

And yet we dare not lose it. Because listening tunes our brain to the patterns of our environment faster than any other sense, and paying attention to the nonvisual parts of our world feeds into everything from our intellectual sharpness to our dance skills.

Luckily, we can train our listening just as with any other skill. Listen to new music when jogging rather than familiar tunes. Listen to your dog’s whines and barks: he is trying to tell you something isn’t right. Listen to your significant other’s voice — not only to the words, which after a few years may repeat, but to the sounds under them, the emotions carried in the harmonics. You may save yourself a couple of fights.

“You never listen” is not just the complaint of a problematic relationship, it has also become an epidemic in a world that is exchanging convenience for content, speed for meaning. The richness of life doesn’t lie in the loudness and the beat, but in the timbres and the variations that you can discern if you simply pay attention.” New York Times Sunday Review

Seth S. Horowitz is an auditory neuroscientist at Brown University and the author of “The Universal Sense: How Hearing Shapes the Mind.”

Listening Relationship Skill

If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so, and ask for more information: “I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you just said is XXX; is that what you meant?”                See more about listening skills at MindTools 

Listening, If You Want A Successful Relationship

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger

Listening Skills – Interruption Messages

Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

• “I’m more important than you are.”
• “What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.”
• “I don’t really care what you think.”
• “I don’t have time for your opinion.”
• “This isn’t a conversation, it’s a contest, and I’m going to win.”

“You can’t fake listening. It shows.” Raquel Welch

Listening – Nonverbal communication cues can play five roles:

• Repetition: they can repeat the message the person is making verbally.
• Contradiction: they can contradict a message the individual is trying to convey.
• Substitution: they can substitute for a verbal message. For example, a person’s eyes can often convey a far more vivid message than words do.
• Complementing: they may add to or complement a verbal message. A boss who pats a person on the back in addition to giving praise can increase the impact of the message.
• Accenting: they may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the table, for example, can underline a message.

Source: The Importance of Effective Communication, Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D.

In my experience, we tend to run into most problems when we misinterpret nonverbal cues. I may hear what your words say, but I may also get different messages from your nonverbal cues. I find consistency in what you mean, not just your words but also your whole being, to be a very effective tool for successful conversation and communication.

Who doesn’t want to be heard correctly?

Other posts you may enjoy:

Doubt

The Relationship Blame Game

Stop Stalking and Start Talking

Why You Don’t Have To Be Right All The Time

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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