The Feminist Guide To Non-Creepy Flirting

I was reading The Feminist Guide to Non-Creepy Flirting and thought it may be helpful to share with readers. I know many men see the word “feminist” and immediately stop reading or become defensive. For the men that this applies to, I invite you to hang in there and reap the benefits of the wisdom and knowledge helping you connect with women that you want to meet. I do not believe anything that is written below is either offensive or disrespectful. In fact, I wish when I was young, the information that is shared here was available to me. I am certain many women along the way would have been grateful as well! I hope you enjoy the Feminist Guide to Non-Creepy Flirting as much as I did.

Before moving forward, please keep an open mind and let yourself hear the suggestions. Leave your ego and pride aside; this is about making positive connections with women and learning about respect. I think, at our core, all men want to respect women and know they deserve it, regardless of the few who have demonstrated something that appears otherwise. Besides, who wants to waste their time trying to connect with a woman who is not interested in connecting with us? And possibly more importantly, in the spirit of life in the 21st century with annoying telemarketers calling all the time, why would you want to continue to speak to or try to engage with a woman knowing that the only thing she feels is being pestered or bothered by someone she does not know? This is where I think The Feminist Guide to Non-Creepy Flirting is most helpful. Let’s usher in a new era of non-creepy flirting and usher out the conquest of women to stroke our egos.

The Feminist Guide To Non-Creepy Flirting

“No one wants to come across as “creepy”, especially not to the attractive person they’ve just approached. In the case of men who approach women, the word creepy doesn’t even need to be said.

A cold shoulder, quick step, or plain old rejection from a woman or her group of friends can signal to some men that they’ve just been dismissed as a “creep”.

So, what exactly is a creep? A creep isn’t always the spray-tanned, aggressively narcissistic jerk who treats women like crap as a way of hitting on them. A creepy person could be anyone of any gender or sexual orientation, well-meaning or otherwise, who makes someone else feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or wary.

For this article, we’re going to focus on the social norms and expectations targeting straight men. Given how men and women are socialized around dating in our society, men are more encouraged to behave in creepy ways toward women.

Thankfully, many guys don’t engage in creepy behavior (yay!). Unfortunately, the ones who do stand out.

The good news for people who don’t want to come across as creepy is that they have some level of control over how they make other people feel. When flirting, or even just being friendly, the key word to remember is boundaries.

1. Read Her Body Language

Let’s say a woman on a train has headphones on and is reading a book. In her mind, this may seem like a clear signal that she wants to be left alone.

But wanting to be friendly, you approach her and attempt to strike up a conversation. Since she’s engrossed in something, you might just say, “Hey, I wanted to talk to you a bit but don’t want to be a bother either. Is it okay if we chatted?”

This hasn’t crossed into creepy territory because you’ve asked her and not assumed anything. But if the woman is constantly trying to bow out of the conversation or if she avoids making eye contact, chances are she wants to be left alone.

If her body language is even stronger—she frowns when approached or scoots away and puts her music on blast—then she clearly wants to be left alone.

2. Listen To What She Says

Let’s rewind the previous scenario. Let’s say the woman on the train is reading her book, and you approach her. She smiles and takes her headphones out, and you have a short but good conversation. You decide to ask for her phone number, but she politely declines.

A non-creepy person recognizes the rejection and moves on. A creepy person reads her signals wrong and presumes that she’s interested based on her body language and pleasant conversation. A creepy person might then decide to continue trying to get a phone number in the hopes that her “positive” response to his approach can be exploited.

If you don’t want to be creepy, do not do this. “No means no” applies outside of sex as well — if someone sets a clear boundary with their words, it’s important to respect that.

3. Do Not Stare Or Follow – It’s Scary!

So the woman on the train is reading, and you’re thinking of approaching her. As you’re gathering up the courage, you find yourself absent-mindedly looking in her direction. She’s noticed and is visibly uncomfortable under your gaze.

It’s an easy mistake. At this point, you can just look away. But do try to be aware of your gaze when approaching strangers.

Being stared at is unsettling for everyone because we can’t read minds—we don’t know if the person staring is thinking, “What a nice scarf they’re wearing,” or “I think I’ll follow them home and strangle them with that ugly scarf.”

4. Don’t Assume She’ll Like You Because You’re Being Respectful

If you’ve done everything you could to be respectful – respected her boundaries, avoided staring, avoided catcalling – you’re on the right track. But don’t expect women to fall at your feet just because you were respectful.

Respect is a basic human right. Showing respect to someone else doesn’t automatically get you brownie points in the dating world, and you may still get rejected even if you’ve been respectful.

5. Don’t Assume That She Wants Your Attention Because She’s Attractive and In Public

Women who wear heavy makeup, push-up bras, heels, or other “sexualized” clothing in public aren’t necessarily looking for the attention of every man in the room. And even if she is, this doesn’t mean that she wants to be treated with less respect.

It’s a common misconception that women constantly dress up for the sole purpose of getting men to talk to them. The truth is, you’re never going to know why someone chose the outfit they’re wearing.

6. Don’t Take It Personally If She Gives You the Cold Shoulder

She may have given you the cold shoulder because she wasn’t into you. She may also have given you the cold shoulder because of other reasons unrelated to you.

Remember, some women may be on guard because women’s bodies are highly visible. A lot of men do feel entitled to a woman’s time, attention, and body without considering her feelings. Dealing with men like this on a daily basis leads some women to adopt a stone-faced, disinterested persona to avoid being targeted for street harassment.

Say, for example, that a woman who regularly uses public transportation keeps getting lewd or unwelcome comments from strangers about her appearance, her clothing, and what have you. To avoid dealing with this every day, she starts wearing headphones and reading on the train.

So please, if you see a boundary in the flirting stage, respect it. It shows you’re not the kind of guy who thinks a woman owes him something just because he noticed her.

If you see one of your friends disrespecting someone’s boundaries in an attempt to flirt, talk with them or show them this article.

Jarune Uwujaren is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. A Nigerian-American recent graduate who’s stumbling towards a career in writing, Jarune can currently be found drifting around the DC metro area with a phone or a laptop nearby. When not writing for fun or profit, Jarune enjoys food, fresh air, good books, drawing, poetry, and sci-fi.”

Continue reading The Feminist Guide To Non-Creepy Flirting on Everyday Feminism.

What were your thoughts and emotions while reading The Feminist Guide to Non-Creepy Flirting? Do the suggestions for non-creepy flirting feel true? Are there any suggestions you would add that may be Jarune  may not have thought of or chose not to include?

 

Other posts you may enjoy:

Before We Fall In Love

Mindful Dating 

Dating First Impressions 

Changing Dishonest Dating Culture

Listening As An Art and Skill For Improving Relationships

Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes!

Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

 

 

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki

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