The number one reason most relationships struggle is not lying, cheating, arguing, money, sex, child care, or even division of labor. The number one reason is communication. I know that sounds simple, but many couples avoid important conversations for fear of how their partner will react. Many people struggle with listening, not just so they can give a good reply but to actually hear what their partner is saying.

When I think of the couples I have the opportunity to work with as a couples counselor and relationship coach, most people are frustrated about not being heard or understood. This seems like an obvious problem, but many couples get lost in the details. They often focus on who said what and who did what, forgetting that what they really need is to be heard, understood, and acknowledged.

Here is an example. I am going to use a heterosexual model of male and female, but it would apply to any configuration in a relationship. The man tells the woman every day at some point how attractive she thinks she is. He’ll share this first thing in the morning, after a shower before getting dressed, or after she is dressed. She responds with a polite thank you and generally shuts down. Eventually, he thinks she is ungrateful and unappreciative of his attention. He continues to offer her the compliment, but the tone and energy change over time and become more abrupt, “sounding” robotic and impersonal. She begins to distance herself more and more from him each time.

Some months later, they are sitting in my office, and she is complaining about him never noticing her or complimenting her. She feels like he takes her for granted. He immediately gets defensive, expressing how he shares all the different ways he compliments her.

She blurts out, “Yeah, but I never believe you. I think you say it because you think you’re supposed to.”

He is furious: “How can you not believe me? You know I think you’re beautiful, smart, hard-working, caring, and a great mother. And for that matter, you barely even acknowledge my compliments. It sounds like you just say thank you to shut me up.”

They start arguing back and forth until I intervene and invite them to take a breath. We spend the next chunk of time unpacking what they both are experiencing in those moments, not necessarily what they are saying. It turns out that she thinks he only complements her as a lead-in for wanting sex. She says thank you to not be rude but then abruptly ends their interaction, feeling manipulated. He, in turn, feels like he doesn’t matter, and no matter what he says to her, it’s not good enough. He feels ignored and disrespected. They both look very surprised at what is underneath each other’s reactions and words. There is now an opportunity to connect deeper with new understanding. They both apologize for how they’ve treated each other and hold hands.

This example is a classic demonstration of misunderstanding and misinterpretation that creates distance, resentment, and hurt feelings. This particular pattern may have occurred over several months or years, but it took less than an hour to untangle and bring new light. This is an example of the number one reason most relationships struggle, which is communication.

The Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle by Derek Lovell

Communication!

Don’t fear those difficult conversations that you’ve been putting off or building up in your head. Communication is key to success in all relationships. From romantic relationships to professional relationships, it is important that individuals learn to and are able to effectively communicate with each other.

Communication is particularly important during times of conflict and stress. It will prevent or even eliminate misunderstandings which can lead to unnecessary arguments. These are the times when our personal feelings and beliefs come into play and what we say is often reflected in our feelings, insecurities and limiting beliefs. If you practice good communication skills, it will help you to resolve conflicts at a faster rate.

Sharing our thoughts allows us to express our feelings, it relieves stress, and it is important for building a bond and strengthening the relationship. More importantly, if you communicate well you’re more likely to be well-liked and respected.

Here are some practices to keep in mind when working towards improving the way you communicate.

Listening

A person’s words are a good giveaway of what they want from you. Try not to add your own interpretation of their words. Repeat what they say in your own words and see if your partner agrees with you. If your partner is communicating something to you, whether you believe it to be true or not, they believe it to be true and that needs to be respected.

Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say

Often times we speak in code (often times with women) and just want our loved one to guess what we want. Sometimes we say one thing hoping our partner will know we mean another thing. Of course this leads to confusion, fights, frustration and disappointment. Be honest and direct when communicating, be sure not to come from a place of anger, you will always regret this!

Pay Attention

When someone is trying to communicate with you, place your full attention on that person. Sometimes it’s tempting to split your attention between your partner and the television/ work/ or any other activity. It can even be tempting to just tune your partner out. This is hurtful and can cause your partner to feel insignificant to you.

Body Language

What is your body language saying? Through your body language you can convey annoyance, boredom, love, disinterest, the list goes on and on. It is best when body language matches what you are trying to say.

Watch Your Ego

We can all recall saying something only to regret it later on, usually after the heat of the moment has subsided. Words can be wounding, when communicating with your partner stay in the present moment and think about how your words will affect your partner and impact your relationship. Remember, once you say it you can’t take it back. Stay on track and don’t pull other issues into the argument.

No Right Or Wrong

Many times your discussion has nothing to do with who is right and everything to do with understanding where each of you is coming from. If there is a right or wrong, it’s important both parties accept responsibility for their own mistakes. Do not make your argument about whose mistake is bigger, or different, or worse. Concentrate on solving the issue at hand and not on who is right. Agreeing to disagree is a great practice to master.

via The Number One Reason Most Relationships Struggle | Collective-Evolution.

I think the paragraph on watching your ego is helpful. When we scrape everything else away, often we are left with one or both people protecting themselves from fear and/or pain = ego. It rarely feels like ego is at the root of many communication challenges, but I think if you look closer, you may see the connection.

I am interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences about the number one reason most relationships struggle: communication. Is this true for you? Have your past relationships struggled due to communication?

Other posts you may enjoy:

 Doubt

 The Relationship Blame Game

 Stop Stalking and Start Talking

 Why You Don’t Have To Be Right All The Time

 Listening as an Art and Skill to Improving Relationships

 Does Kindness Make You More Attractive? Research Says Yes

 Things Your Couples Counselor Already Knows About Your Relationship

Michael Swerdloff

Providence Holistic Counselor, Coach and Reiki