18 results for tag: The Gottman Institute
Jealousy – Why Do We Get Jealous in Relationships?
Jealousy is one of the oddest emotions we experience as humans. It does not matter if there is a shred of evidence for the intensity of the feeling of jealousy. Our system does not differentiate between seeing your partner with another person and believing that your partner is with another person.
This is similar to experiencing fear. Our nervous system responds the same way to the perception of fear and danger.
Example: If we read a post on social media stating that an asteroid is about to hit Earth in our town, our nervous system will create hormones and thoughts to protect us. It turns out that someone posted this to annoy other people, and there was no threat. If an asteroid hit Earth in our town, the body and nervous system would still have responded the same way. Since jealousy is a form of fear, we have the same kind of experience.
Example: If we feel threatened by our partner being contacted by their ex, we may feel a surge of jealousy, knowing they are connecting. Some people create all kinds of narratives inside their heads around why they are connecting and what it means to our relationship today. They may begin to distrust them and take steps to find evidence that there is a threat. And while doing so, we may view normal situations as evidence, confirmation bias. Now that we have "evidence" we may confront our partner and have trouble sleeping at night. And as the process escalates, our brain may create more "evidence" to confirm our fears. For some people, this can hijack everything else happening in their lives. Eventually, we find out that their ex was contacting them to let them know that a family member they were close to was killed in a car crash and the funeral service is Friday.
Based on the example above, what did we learn about jealousy?... Three Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict
This is a simple and clear article on mistakes couples make during conflict. We all make mistakes in our relationships with everyone in our lives. Making mistakes is not a problem; choosing not to learn and grow is....
The Little Things That Make or Break Relationships
Life is often about the little things, especially in relationships. People want to know they matter and are important to us, and little things go a long way toward achieving that goal.
How do you respond when the people in your life make bids and connection attempts toward you at random times throughout your days?
Do you move closer or further in those moments? How does it feel when you move closer?
How does it feel when you move further?
I invite you to read this short article on the impact of little things on relationships....
Isolation in the Digital Era: The Power of Human Relationships
We are all aware of the potential costs of isolation—at least, we were before we became entrenched in digital connections. Human connections are suffering as more people feel increased isolation. I look forward to your comments and experiences on isolation from the article below posted on The Gottman Institute....
What Porcupines Can Teach Us About Making Love
Book Release: Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters - From Mobster to Reiki Master, A Memoir of Awakening & Transformation. Find out more about this exciting new book here.
Buy Your Copy Now!
How do we learn about making love? A book, our parents, porn, movies, TV, social media? How about porcupines? This is a hilarious and insightful video and article about relationships, sex, and making love. I will not add anything; please enjoy the video and reflection on making love.
What Porcupines Can Teach Us About Making Love (Contains mild sexual content)
Dr. John Gottman is not only a groundbreaking relationship researcher ...
Conflict Resolution: Transform Your Conflict Cycle
Most couples struggle with conflict resolution. They may call it communication, anger issues, conflict avoidance, contempt, manipulation, narcissism, trauma response, triggers, etc., but we are often talking about conflict resolution.
Conflict resolution skills allow us to shift our conflict cycle to create an environment supportive of connection, safety, trust, and intimacy. Trust is the primary component of successful relationships and connections. Creating or rebuilding trust can take time, patience, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zone through conflict resolution...."What is conflict? Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything, all the time. The key is not to fear or try to avoid conflict but to learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.
When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two people. Whether you’re experiencing conflict at home, work, or school, learning these skills can help you resolve differences in a healthy way and build stronger, more rewarding relationships." Excerpt from Conflict Resolution Skills.
What Are We Fighting For?
What are we fighting for or about? We all need to ask ourselves this question when we conflict with another person, especially a partner or spouse.
As a couples and relationship counselor, whenever a couple shares with me about a "fight" they had recently, I often ask them after they have spoken in great detail how their partner was at fault and what they did wrong, "What was the fight about?". Both people start repeating what the other person said and did wrong and how they did it right. The focus is generally on the content rather than what the fight was about....
Book Release: Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters
Find out about this exciting new book here.
My Memoir Available Now!
